Where were we....

Hmmm where were we ...
Sep 14, 2008 2:38 pm
Oh, right, I was 24, and had been barely pregnant for a week, and lost it. The Meteor laid off me physically for a while. But his commentary had deep impact. I withdrew from everything and everyone. I became extremely depressed. It was the dawn of my twenty-fifth year, and there isn't much more to say about it. No excitement. No joy. Nothing to look forward to, ever. My husband was a cheater. Outwardly, I was a shell. Inwardly, I was at war with myself. No wonder he treated me the way he did, I couldn't produce children, I couldn't do the one thing that I was put on this earth to do. It was a very dark time. I couldn't see any light. I contemplated taking my own life.I think that is when I became anhedonic, though I'd not hear the term. Nothing brought me any happiness. Not friends, not my dogs, not my hobbies, no music ( and music was always a huge part of my life), but nothing mattered. I was in such despair. I contemplated taking my own life, but didn't follow through. I was so hopeless, I figured I would fail at that also, and just left as a burden to the people I loved. A loser, unable to find anything about myself that made sense for me to be on this earth. It certainly couldn't be to serve him ... the Meteor. He is not the reason I live and breathe. So what was my purpose? Why was I here? Hell, I am still figuring that out. It lasted a while. At times I got good at pretending to be myself, "I do the best imitation of myself" Ben Folds would say. I went to parties, participated the way I normally did, but the time I had to myself, it was hard to do more than zone out or cry. Gradually, the Meteor, began with the psychological warfare again, and everything fell back into it's broken places. I did attempt to better myself, diet, exercise, therapy, but eventually it would all fall away for one reason or another. That about covers from 2002-2004. Same shit, different day.