Recap..

Recap..
Nov 14, 2008 12:57 am150 Views
Okay, here's what you know so far..... I was abused by my first psychopathic boyfriend, too young to really realize what was going on, or the damage it would cause me.I became promiscuous. I moved away from home after high school.Moved back a few years later.Still promiscuous. I met a 'man' I've named here The Meteor. He cheated incessantly. Was physically abusive. Withheld sex as a means of control. Was emotionally abusive. I pretended everything was peachy. It wasn't. Things came to a head, involving the local officials.So what do you think happened next? Through this oversimplified version of my story, I as a reader KNOW what I would want for the heroine in this tale. I know what I hope she'll do, but alas, with most decent dramas, the heroine doesn't seem to realize until all is lost what she MUST do, without fail. Shall I continue? I think I should. At some point during the night I was able to cast a few moments of sleep. It wasn't restful, and I woke up on the couch in the living room. All the lights on, TV playing in the background. I went back to something I forfeited because of the Meteor, but always enjoyed. I turned off the TV, probably for the first time in four years, and went to my music. I listened to a bit of everything I owned, that first lonely day. Some Mozart, Pink Floyd, Dave Matthews, James Taylor, White Zombie, whatever my hands touched, my ears would hear. I came to a few songs that brought back wonderful memories. Then while I was going through some things, in order to plan a yard sale, so I would have a bit of money, I came across John Mayer's Heavier Things, it hadn't been out long, but I'd realized that I never had a chance to HEAR it. The Meteor, was usually barking at me about something I didn't do right, or could have done better, so I was hearing it for the first time. Split Screen Sadness spoke to me, I'll post some lyrics, it felt right at the time, like it really explained how I was feeling, and how I thought HE should be feeling. And I don't know where you went when you left me butSays here in the water you must be gone by nowI can tell somehowOne hand on the trigger of a telephoneWondering when the call comesWhere you say it's alrightYou got your heart rightI calledBecauseI justNeed to feel you on the lineDon't hang up this timeAnd I know it was me who called it over butI still wish you'd fought me 'till your dying dayDon't let me get awayCause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with meSo I can say this is the way that I used to beThere's no substitute for timeOr for the sadnessSplit screen sadnessWe share the sadnessThat's only a bit of it. And no, it's not perfect, but it's a glimpse into my world as it was. For days and days I used music to express how my heart ached. Modest Mouse was another favorite for that time. Blame it on the Tetons.... appropriate since the Tetons were nearby. Blame it on the Tetons. Yeah, I need a scapegoat now. No my dog won't bite you, though it had the right to. You oughta give her credit 'cause she knows I would've let it happen. Blame it on the weekends. God I need a cola now. Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting. Blame it all on me 'cause God I need a cold one now. All them eager actors gladly taking credit For the lines created by the people tucked away from sight Is just a window from the room we're bound to. If you find a way out, oh would you just let me know how? Would you just let me know how? Blame it on the web but the spider's your problem now. Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in. Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem. Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now. Every one's a building burning With no one to put the fire out. Standing at the window looking out, Waiting for time to burn us down. Every one's an ocean drowning With no one really to show how. They might get a little better air If they turned themselves into a cloud.Or perhaps the chorus from Black Cadillacs. And we're done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around. You were so true to yourself. You were true to no one else well I should put you in the ground. I've got the time, I got the hours, I got the days, I got the weeks. I could say to myself I've got the words but I can't speak. Well, I was done, done, done with all the circ, circ, circlin' round. I didn't die and I ain't complainin'. I ain't blamin' you. I didn't know that the words you said to me meant more to me than they ever could you? I didn't lie and I ain't sayin' I told the whole truth. I didn't know that this game we were playin' even had a set of rules. I had a lot of emotions swirling around inside me. I needed a creative way to express them, or I'd drive myself mad. I hadn't eaten since he initially dropped the bomb. I barely slept. I was in for a long few weeks.