The Realization.

The Realization.
Sep 16, 2008 8:04 pm297 Views
After our trip home, even after the incident at the dinner table with my parents, I was so far off in La-La Land (aka the place inside myself where every thing was sunshine and lollipops)that I had forgotten I was married to a monster.

I had submerged any thoughts of anything bad, and pretended everyday, that I was married to the most loving and considerate individual on the planet. Life was great, in my own head; that I didn't even see it coming.

Our trip home was in August, (just as a point of reference).

One day in September, it was a Tuesday, I wasn't feeling well.

But I got up, and began my housework, as I always did. The Meteor came home for lunch, and was affectionate, like he got sometimes, when he was sick, or needed me more than usual. For all intents and purposes, everything was normal. I prepared our lunch, and we sat down to have a meal together. When he left, I went back to my work, and he kissed me on the forehead and told me he would be home in a few hours, but that I should relax if I wasn't feeling well. He really could be kind and loving at times. Those were the moments I cherished.

When he got home from work, I was laying on the couch, he came into the living room and sat down at the end of the couch with a sheepish look on his face. I sat up and asked him what was the matter. I begged him to tell me what was wrong.

He told me that he wanted a divorce.

He said there wasn't anyone else, but that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said he didn't want to be with anyone.

I got very angry. Probably for the first time in my life. I called him a liar. I wanted to know who she was, how he knew her. He wouldn't say.

HE didn't say much of anything.

I screamed and cried.... berating him for every offense he ever committed against me. How he has made me feel over the previous four years. The promises he made, that he broke. I was pissed!

How could he reject me?? I did everything for him. I was the perfect wife. I tended to his every need, above my own. I worked hard to make my marriage something to be proud of, something of which we could both be proud. But, he didn't want it.

He never wanted it. He told me he never wanted to marry me. He knew a few days before that it was a mistake, that he didn't love me. I begged to know, why he went through with it, why he took me from my happy life, into this hell that he created that I was always left to clean up? He had no answer, except, he thought he could 'grow' to love me.

Like it was a God damned arranged marriage! Like I was a pair of shoes that didn't fit, "oh I'll just take 'em back to the store in two weeks". WHATTHEFUCKEVER!!!!

I asked what was going to happen now, since he was in the military, he told me that after he moved out, I would have 30 days to leave the house, our house, and vacate the base. He told me he planned to look for an apartment over the weekend. Though, until he found an apartment, we would need to co-habitate. I told him ... he would need to sleep on the couch. Since he was the one who wanted to leave.... he could also be the one who had to be uncomfortable.

Either way he would be gone, all weekend, with our car. The car we shared.

I'm an asthmatic. I was so upset, I couldn't breathe. I tried to keep it controlled, but I was beyond control. I was hysterical.

I thought I had gone insane.

Entered the Twilight Zone.

I couldn't breathe.

He didn't even have the courtesy to show his face in the Emergency Room (he had worked in the ER on base for a year before all this went down). I drove myself to the hospital, barely breathing when I walked in the door.

My friends that worked in the ER took care of me. They knew something was wrong, but I couldn't tell them. I couldn't speak. Just cry, and gasp. They took my vitals, put me on oxygen, and gave me a nebulizer treatment. After the first treatment, the doctor came in, and asked me if I could speak about why I was so emotional.

Dr. Oaks was a very tall man, extremely cerebral. I really liked him. I considered him my friend. He had a way about him, that you could talk to him and he heard you, but he really listened. He was quiet. Calm, always. I started to tell him, through sobs, what was going on. He asked me if I thought I might harm myself, or anyone else. I replied by telling him, "I don't think I would be successful if I tried..." With that statement he issued another neb treatment, and went off to order a psych evaluation. My ER friends came in to visit, and tried to be professional, but everyone knew what a sadistic mind-fuck the Meteor had been to me. Everyone knew but me. Okay, I knew it, but I had been ignoring that fact for so long, I had forgotten. My ER friends, tried to support me as best they could, but ultimately there were other patients, other issues to tend to, and they were there to do a job. Dr Oaks came back to tell me that the psych doc had arrived, he told me that he would be near if I needed him, but he left me to the expertise of Dr Wiseman. Dr Wiseman deemed me delusional. He wanted to have me committed to the mental hospital for observation that night. I refused.I wasn't crazy, I just had my world turned upside down. I asked to see Dr Oaks privately, I told Dr Oaks that Dr Wiseman was an idiot. I told him I wanted to go home, I wanted to go to sleep for a long time. I promised not to hurt myself, or anyone else. Dr Oaks told me that I was still in no shape to leave, as my pulse/oxygen count was not where he wanted it for me to leave. HE told me he was going to give me a third treatment, but that if he needed to give me another one after that, he would have to keep me over night. I took the third treatment, and did my best to calm down. I didn't end up staying overnight, but I did stay up all night. When I finally got home. He was asleep. In our bed. After I asked that he stay on the couch. Even when he was leaving me, he couldn't respect me.