My suicide...

My suicide...
Nov 23, 2008 2:01 am199 Views
To continue the previous blog, I was waiting for the perfect moment to carry out my plan. I came close many times, prior to the major event with the Meteor, and something always kept me from proceeding. However nothing had the greatest impact as the events that I will now describe. Many, many times I thought about different ways I COULD off myself. I COULD learn how to tie a proper noose. I COULD somehow obtain the proper drugs to overdose on. I could do that AND more. But, there was so much risk of failure. At one point, I had even decided that if I could cut myself deep enough, I'd probably pass out from the sight of my own blood and then I wouldn't HAVE to watch myself bleed out. But, what if I didn't. What if I failed, and looked foolish. After the reconcilement with the Meteor, he made promises to try to be a better husband. He promised to be honest, and true to our marriage. But, he just couldn't. It isn't in his nature. Then came the heavy prescription drug use, which served to make him an even worse liar, and yet oddly more delusional that I was going to "buy" his bullshit. I couldn't see anyway out. All of my days and nights were spent cleaning up after him. Broken drinking glasses were a daily occurrence, knives stuck in the linoleum, bathtub water flowing over the edge. There was no end in sight. I no longer slept. I barely ate. I became a droid. A cooking, cleaning, service droid. RedsyBot 9000 at your service. I felt horrible. And Ugly. He spewed at me how ugly I was. Fat, stupid, pig. Dirty, sloppy, cunt. Useless waste of flesh. Whore. Slut. If it was derogatory, and awful, and something you wouldn't say to describe anyone, he used to call to me, and get me to help him. I was no longer human. I was a thing, here to serve him and his addiction. God forbid, I ask him for some honesty, or kind words, you would have thought I was begging for a limb.I was lower than dirt now. The physical abuse was one thing, bruises heal. But everyday, I was reminded how small I felt when the BMOC was still in my life. At least the Meteor wasn't drugging me. Small thanks, I suppose. I wanted to die everyday. I wanted this horrible life to end, so I could move on to a life more productive than this one. Even though I vowed to get away from him, what kind of person would I be, if I left him when he was disabled?? Despite EVERYTHING he had done to me, and was doing, I was still thinking that he needed someone to take care of him, and that person had to be me, because he didn't have anyone else at that point. I took a vow, 'In sickness and in health' and I meant to honor it, even if I was not afforded the same. Besides, family lived too far away. The only way out, was to die. My natural death was coming too slowly. Couldn't I get into a horrible accident?? I mean, accidents happen everyday, why can't that be me? That's when the idea struck me. I would have an 'accident'. A car accident. Timing was going to be everything, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process, so I would have to be the only car involved in the accident. So I thought, I'd drive up to the mountains.... and "fall" off the side. I meant to drive over the side of the mountain. It was perfect, and well, almost fail-proof. This is important. Shortly after I married the Meteor, I stopped wearing make-up, dressing up, I let myself go... mostly because it went unnoticed and unappreciated.The morning I had decided would be the day, I woke up and made breakfast, like normal. Then I drove the Meteor to work. I came home and took a long, hot, shower. I did all of the grooming I had sporadically been keeping up with, I shaved completely ... everywhere (except my head), painted my finger and toenails, groomed my eyebrows perfectly, gave my teeth a whitening treatment, blow dried my hair and did it just the way I always liked it, and did my makeup, flawlessly. I went to my closet and picked out some of the nicest things I owned, I attached a note to the outfit I wanted to be "viewed" in (personally, I do not want anyone to see me after I die, but I know that some people need that proof of seeing a lifeless vehicle for the soul in order to believe that the soul doesn't live there anymore). I also chose another outfit, the outfit I would wear when I died, later that day. Before I left my bedroom, I wanted to make sure everything was in place, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup.... and when I caught a glimpse of myself, I could see that all that I had been beaten to believe about myself was wrong. I mean sure I was overweight... but I certainly wasn't sloppy. I knew I wasn't stupid, just not intellectually stimulated. I hadn't had any sexual encounters during the previous five years, except that time the Meteor and I swapped with Chuck and Joy, I mentioned them in an earlier blog, so I couldn't have been a whore, after all he was the one who cheated constantly. You know what else??? I saw myself as beautiful, REALLY beautiful, maybe for the first time in my life. I mean I have long, thick, red hair, naturally... people pay a lot of money for that. I have awesome blue eyes, that I don't need glasses to see perfectly through. I have a cute nose that is the perfect size for my face, and doesn't have weird bumps or crooks in it. I have fabulous breasts, that are full, large, and round. I have a great pair of legs, muscular and strong. Perhaps, he needed a stronger prescription of glasses? Now, I wouldn't consider myself a beauty queen, but he was so wrong by calling me ugly, so I now he had to be wrong about most everything else. I finished getting ready, and kissed the dogs on their muzzles. I grabbed my purse and went out to the car, but I couldn't start it.From that day forward, I've worn makeup nearly every single day. I did commit suicide that day, but instead of only bringing death, shame, and heartache, I was born free. Free of his insults ever doing that much harm again. I still have depression, but since that day in March of 2005, I have been able to recognize it before it becomes a life or death situation. I know what I need to do to keep it in line, and never own me in that way again.