Journals and sobriety.

Journals and sobriety.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_Anhedonia Dec 22, 2008 12:52 am

When building a house of cards, somehow you have to always create a strong foundation, just like building a regular house ... or anything worth lasting.

Our foundation was non-existent, it stood on and for nothing.

By this point, I had been married for six years. The Meteor was a chronic cheater, I knew, he denied. He did not care to support me, in any way. He had been out of the military for about eight months, and a prescription drug abuser for two years , eight months. He had been using street drugs for almost the entire time he was out of the service. Moreover, he had, had me using drugs.

I had a sober day.

A few blogs back I wrote about using Ecstasy for days on end, and thinking about staying, and just using E to get through life. During that time, as I am sure I mentioned in the blog, I was left alone, while high. I did a lot of writing then, and I just put my writings under the couch, not caring if they were found, or lost forever.

One sober day, I had not used in about 3 weeks, I found some notebooks under the couch. I opened the first one, and saw my own handwriting. I began reading. and reading. For hours I poured over my writings, as if I was seeing them for the first time.

In a way I was.

When I was high, I wrote out streams of consciousness, any thought I had ever had, any dream I had that had been dashed, any wrong that had been done, any blessings in my life, all of it written down. On display, for whomever happened to look under the sofa.

I was horrified. Manic. They must be destroyed. It was too dangerous to have every single thought written out for all to see. Especially since I knew if the Meteor found them, he would use that information against me.

Some of the poems were beautiful and part of me wishes I would have kept them, but I couldn't keep them.

So I gathered all the books, and walked out in to the back field, and set them aflame on the "burn pile".

I tore them all to bits and watched my every thought burn away. Every violation. Every outlook. Everything.