10 February 2009
The return home.
The return home.
Originally posted on http://adultfriendfinder.com/ Feb 10, 2009 12:15 am
It took me a little while to settle into l living back at home with my parents. Especially with nothing even remotely resembling the life that I had, had.
I mean I didn't have to wake up wondering what mood anyone was going to be in... OR how much egg shell I'd be pulling out of the soles of my feet.
There was a lot to be done.
In the six years I had lived away, my parents had given my old room to my now deceased grandfather. After he passed away, my sister who moved back home at some point, took it over. Also during that time the "other" bedroom had been transformed into a home office/sewing room for my Mother. I felt guilty to be taking her space away from her, after all, she raised four kids and deserved to have something all her own. I wouldn't have moved back here, had I any place else to go.
Mom had surgery like the first week I had been back, which was good because I could clean out the home office, and make room for a small bed for myself in there, without hearing too much flack. It was rough getting used to my parents every day... as I am sure they were adjusting to me again too. We all had changed some, and at times it is difficult to acknowledge those changes in your family.
Mike came down to see me from time to time. He would tell me he was leaving his marriage, that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, I believed at the time, and still do believe that he meant what he said. But I also know that he still hasn't left her and it has been nearly three years. I'm not that much of a fool to think that his love for me was powerful enough to overcome that tight grip she has over him. I also didn't want to build a relationship on an affair. I wanted to be in a relationship where the man I was/am with is proud to have me in his life. Where he will Cherish me, and want to flaunt that he has my love and I have his. Not this tawdry, can't REALLY tell people how we met because they might think we are unscrupulous, immoral, individuals. Either way, by October of 2006 he stopped coming to see me.
I needed to figure out what it is I wanted... even if just for the moment. Then I had one of those light bulb moments! A-HA!! I wanted sex.... and lots of it!!
I was hoping to meet one guy who I could fuck for hours on end... who wouldn't expect more than that from me. Now if only I could figure out how to meet someone like that.....
I mulled it over and thought about going to bars, signing up for dating sites, asking people at work to hook me up .... all of that was taking too long!! After all I was free to do whomever, whenever, and even those my divorce wasn't final... for all intents and purposes, I thought of myself as single. I NEEDED TO GET LAID!!!!!!!
Then I remembered this little website... the Meteor introduced me to it... Adult Friend Finder .... hmmmm ... why shouldn't I use the site... and at the very least I'll have some titillating conversation. May never amount to much, I was thinking, but perhaps I can get some good ideas to keep in my "spank bank".
I realized after posting this on AFF and recieving comments asking what a 'spank bank' is, that perhaps I needed to explain it. According to http://urbandictionary.com/ a spank bank: Noun. A zoo of images one creates in his or her mind in order to be withdrawn at a later date to be used as assisistance while pounding one out. The bank is only temporary storage and is inferior in many ways to the cellular phone camera. see also; mental picture.
Originally posted on http://adultfriendfinder.com/ Feb 10, 2009 12:15 am
It took me a little while to settle into l living back at home with my parents. Especially with nothing even remotely resembling the life that I had, had.
I mean I didn't have to wake up wondering what mood anyone was going to be in... OR how much egg shell I'd be pulling out of the soles of my feet.
There was a lot to be done.
In the six years I had lived away, my parents had given my old room to my now deceased grandfather. After he passed away, my sister who moved back home at some point, took it over. Also during that time the "other" bedroom had been transformed into a home office/sewing room for my Mother. I felt guilty to be taking her space away from her, after all, she raised four kids and deserved to have something all her own. I wouldn't have moved back here, had I any place else to go.
Mom had surgery like the first week I had been back, which was good because I could clean out the home office, and make room for a small bed for myself in there, without hearing too much flack. It was rough getting used to my parents every day... as I am sure they were adjusting to me again too. We all had changed some, and at times it is difficult to acknowledge those changes in your family.
Mike came down to see me from time to time. He would tell me he was leaving his marriage, that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, I believed at the time, and still do believe that he meant what he said. But I also know that he still hasn't left her and it has been nearly three years. I'm not that much of a fool to think that his love for me was powerful enough to overcome that tight grip she has over him. I also didn't want to build a relationship on an affair. I wanted to be in a relationship where the man I was/am with is proud to have me in his life. Where he will Cherish me, and want to flaunt that he has my love and I have his. Not this tawdry, can't REALLY tell people how we met because they might think we are unscrupulous, immoral, individuals. Either way, by October of 2006 he stopped coming to see me.
I needed to figure out what it is I wanted... even if just for the moment. Then I had one of those light bulb moments! A-HA!! I wanted sex.... and lots of it!!
I was hoping to meet one guy who I could fuck for hours on end... who wouldn't expect more than that from me. Now if only I could figure out how to meet someone like that.....
I mulled it over and thought about going to bars, signing up for dating sites, asking people at work to hook me up .... all of that was taking too long!! After all I was free to do whomever, whenever, and even those my divorce wasn't final... for all intents and purposes, I thought of myself as single. I NEEDED TO GET LAID!!!!!!!
Then I remembered this little website... the Meteor introduced me to it... Adult Friend Finder .... hmmmm ... why shouldn't I use the site... and at the very least I'll have some titillating conversation. May never amount to much, I was thinking, but perhaps I can get some good ideas to keep in my "spank bank".
I realized after posting this on AFF and recieving comments asking what a 'spank bank' is, that perhaps I needed to explain it. According to http://urbandictionary.com/ a spank bank: Noun. A zoo of images one creates in his or her mind in order to be withdrawn at a later date to be used as assisistance while pounding one out. The bank is only temporary storage and is inferior in many ways to the cellular phone camera. see also; mental picture.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_Anhedonia Jan 30, 2009 1:19 am
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
Kind woman, I give you my all,
Kind woman, nothing more.
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong, together we shall go until we die.
My, my, my.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.
And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....
I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine,
I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
I was driving to work, when this song popped onto my iPod. I have three versions of the song on my iPod, and after hearing one, I decided to consecutively listen to the other two. The first, and obviously is the original, by Led Zeppelin.
I also have a version by Duran Duran, which closely resembles the original. I have an affinity for covers, ya know, when a band covers another band's music, I especially love it when the band doing the covering, can make that song have it's own particular sound, or trademark.
That said, the third version is on a recording called Crucify, by Tori Amos. She covers Thank you, as well as Smells Like Teen Spirit originally recorded by Nirvana. She puts her own Tori spin on it, heavy with the piano her main instrument besides her hauntingly beautiful vocals.
I had a thought, an overtly girly thought. It actually took me by surprise because I haven't day dreamed in that sort of way since I was in my early teens at least. I thought to myself, that should I ever marry again, I would want my entrance to be to Tori's version of that song. Then I went even further out into my dream world, and thought better yet, I would like to call up my piano playing friend, and have him record a version like Tori's but with MY vocals.
I hadn't really considered my self singing anywhere where the public could hear me since the Meteor came into my life. Tears streamed down my face, as I felt liberated. I felt kind, dreaming, sensitive, precious me flood into me.
Perhaps I should mention, I've quit smoking. Nearly a decade of smoking, and feeling pushed down, and smothering myself while being smothered by others. Finally, I am free.
Quitting smoking (though it has only been a week) has been cathartic, in ways I never thought shedding this particular bad habit could be. My last cigarette, I smoked reluctantly, but ceremoniously as though I was saying goodbye to a good friend.
I am hopeful. Hopeful about so many things. Most of all the new man in my life. One who encourages the best out of me and doesn't encourage that self-deprecating way I've developed to protect myself. So, to him (though you know the context) I dedicate this song to you, and thank you. For your solid support, and of course, for having the patience to wait while I pull my own hard head out of my ass.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_Anhedonia Jan 30, 2009 1:19 am
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
Kind woman, I give you my all,
Kind woman, nothing more.
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong, together we shall go until we die.
My, my, my.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.
And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....
I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine,
I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
I was driving to work, when this song popped onto my iPod. I have three versions of the song on my iPod, and after hearing one, I decided to consecutively listen to the other two. The first, and obviously is the original, by Led Zeppelin.
I also have a version by Duran Duran, which closely resembles the original. I have an affinity for covers, ya know, when a band covers another band's music, I especially love it when the band doing the covering, can make that song have it's own particular sound, or trademark.
That said, the third version is on a recording called Crucify, by Tori Amos. She covers Thank you, as well as Smells Like Teen Spirit originally recorded by Nirvana. She puts her own Tori spin on it, heavy with the piano her main instrument besides her hauntingly beautiful vocals.
I had a thought, an overtly girly thought. It actually took me by surprise because I haven't day dreamed in that sort of way since I was in my early teens at least. I thought to myself, that should I ever marry again, I would want my entrance to be to Tori's version of that song. Then I went even further out into my dream world, and thought better yet, I would like to call up my piano playing friend, and have him record a version like Tori's but with MY vocals.
I hadn't really considered my self singing anywhere where the public could hear me since the Meteor came into my life. Tears streamed down my face, as I felt liberated. I felt kind, dreaming, sensitive, precious me flood into me.
Perhaps I should mention, I've quit smoking. Nearly a decade of smoking, and feeling pushed down, and smothering myself while being smothered by others. Finally, I am free.
Quitting smoking (though it has only been a week) has been cathartic, in ways I never thought shedding this particular bad habit could be. My last cigarette, I smoked reluctantly, but ceremoniously as though I was saying goodbye to a good friend.
I am hopeful. Hopeful about so many things. Most of all the new man in my life. One who encourages the best out of me and doesn't encourage that self-deprecating way I've developed to protect myself. So, to him (though you know the context) I dedicate this song to you, and thank you. For your solid support, and of course, for having the patience to wait while I pull my own hard head out of my ass.
Finally.
Finally.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_AnhedoniaJan 20, 2009 1:13 am
Finally he knew the truth of how I'd been feeling. Finally I'd been able to say everything that had been weighing on me. Finally, I could see a future WITHOUT abuse, pain or misery.
Took me long enough, eh?
So now he knew it. I was leaving him.
He wasn't even angry.
He wans't hurt.
He was defeated.
The Meteor FINALLY realized that I was not going to allow him to inflict further damage on me or my life. He was beyond powerless.
For a moment he tried to negotiate. He said he'd go to N.A. meetings, anger management, counseling, get a job, all great things I had ASKED him to do before and he refused. I told him I didn't believe him. I also told him that I could NEVER trust him.
He asked what I had planned to do. I told him that I planned to move back to my parents, but that it would be a few months before that could happen, and that in the meantime we would need to "peacefully" co-exist. He asked me what I wanted, I told him, that anything, anything material was worth nothing compared with my dignity and self-respect. He could keep it all. EXCEPT the dogs.
I wanted both dogs. Sammy and Sacha were tantamount to my children, there were times when I felt as though I personally gave birth to them. Those dogs were my lifeline, so many times they protected me, willing to sacrifice themselves to save me from a beating. Loyal. Loyal in a way no human knows how.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_AnhedoniaJan 20, 2009 1:13 am
Finally he knew the truth of how I'd been feeling. Finally I'd been able to say everything that had been weighing on me. Finally, I could see a future WITHOUT abuse, pain or misery.
Took me long enough, eh?
So now he knew it. I was leaving him.
He wasn't even angry.
He wans't hurt.
He was defeated.
The Meteor FINALLY realized that I was not going to allow him to inflict further damage on me or my life. He was beyond powerless.
For a moment he tried to negotiate. He said he'd go to N.A. meetings, anger management, counseling, get a job, all great things I had ASKED him to do before and he refused. I told him I didn't believe him. I also told him that I could NEVER trust him.
He asked what I had planned to do. I told him that I planned to move back to my parents, but that it would be a few months before that could happen, and that in the meantime we would need to "peacefully" co-exist. He asked me what I wanted, I told him, that anything, anything material was worth nothing compared with my dignity and self-respect. He could keep it all. EXCEPT the dogs.
I wanted both dogs. Sammy and Sacha were tantamount to my children, there were times when I felt as though I personally gave birth to them. Those dogs were my lifeline, so many times they protected me, willing to sacrifice themselves to save me from a beating. Loyal. Loyal in a way no human knows how.
Less than a week BEFORE the party....
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Journals and sobriety.
Journals and sobriety.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_Anhedonia Dec 22, 2008 12:52 am
When building a house of cards, somehow you have to always create a strong foundation, just like building a regular house ... or anything worth lasting.
Our foundation was non-existent, it stood on and for nothing.
By this point, I had been married for six years. The Meteor was a chronic cheater, I knew, he denied. He did not care to support me, in any way. He had been out of the military for about eight months, and a prescription drug abuser for two years , eight months. He had been using street drugs for almost the entire time he was out of the service. Moreover, he had, had me using drugs.
I had a sober day.
A few blogs back I wrote about using Ecstasy for days on end, and thinking about staying, and just using E to get through life. During that time, as I am sure I mentioned in the blog, I was left alone, while high. I did a lot of writing then, and I just put my writings under the couch, not caring if they were found, or lost forever.
One sober day, I had not used in about 3 weeks, I found some notebooks under the couch. I opened the first one, and saw my own handwriting. I began reading. and reading. For hours I poured over my writings, as if I was seeing them for the first time.
In a way I was.
When I was high, I wrote out streams of consciousness, any thought I had ever had, any dream I had that had been dashed, any wrong that had been done, any blessings in my life, all of it written down. On display, for whomever happened to look under the sofa.
I was horrified. Manic. They must be destroyed. It was too dangerous to have every single thought written out for all to see. Especially since I knew if the Meteor found them, he would use that information against me.
Some of the poems were beautiful and part of me wishes I would have kept them, but I couldn't keep them.
So I gathered all the books, and walked out in to the back field, and set them aflame on the "burn pile".
I tore them all to bits and watched my every thought burn away. Every violation. Every outlook. Everything.
Originally posted to http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/Red_Anhedonia Dec 22, 2008 12:52 am
When building a house of cards, somehow you have to always create a strong foundation, just like building a regular house ... or anything worth lasting.
Our foundation was non-existent, it stood on and for nothing.
By this point, I had been married for six years. The Meteor was a chronic cheater, I knew, he denied. He did not care to support me, in any way. He had been out of the military for about eight months, and a prescription drug abuser for two years , eight months. He had been using street drugs for almost the entire time he was out of the service. Moreover, he had, had me using drugs.
I had a sober day.
A few blogs back I wrote about using Ecstasy for days on end, and thinking about staying, and just using E to get through life. During that time, as I am sure I mentioned in the blog, I was left alone, while high. I did a lot of writing then, and I just put my writings under the couch, not caring if they were found, or lost forever.
One sober day, I had not used in about 3 weeks, I found some notebooks under the couch. I opened the first one, and saw my own handwriting. I began reading. and reading. For hours I poured over my writings, as if I was seeing them for the first time.
In a way I was.
When I was high, I wrote out streams of consciousness, any thought I had ever had, any dream I had that had been dashed, any wrong that had been done, any blessings in my life, all of it written down. On display, for whomever happened to look under the sofa.
I was horrified. Manic. They must be destroyed. It was too dangerous to have every single thought written out for all to see. Especially since I knew if the Meteor found them, he would use that information against me.
Some of the poems were beautiful and part of me wishes I would have kept them, but I couldn't keep them.
So I gathered all the books, and walked out in to the back field, and set them aflame on the "burn pile".
I tore them all to bits and watched my every thought burn away. Every violation. Every outlook. Everything.
So the Adult Friend Finder adventure had begun...
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Rollin' down ....
Rollin' down ....
Dec 15, 2008 1:03 pm216 Views
and down I went. It was during the few months I was drugging all the time, that I discovered Adult FriendFinder. Well, technically, I didn't discover it. I woke up one morning, after 3days of being up, and high, to the phone ringing. It was the bank. Calling to ask me about a charge that had posted at 2am, to my debit card.It was a charge from Adult FriendFinder, while I was asleep. I asked the Meteor about it. At first, he denied knowing anything. Then he confessed. He had signed US up, as a couple. At first I was pissed! Then I started thinking about the idea of having sex again. The thought of it made me tingle with excitement. I knew he was a cheater only a week after the wedding. I was at a point with it, that the cheating didn't violate me anymore, it was more about the constant lies. So finally, I was going to get laid! Practically a dream come true! I became the 'voice' and face of some stupid, unintelligent screen name like HrNyCpL123456. Whatever. I hated the unimaginative name he had come up with, showed he had no personality. But, I did. I would be able to be myself, I was safe behind the computer screen being who I am, and if he got upset, I assured him I said what I needed to in order to get US laid. Actually after six years of marriage, I think it was the first time he didn't get upset when I mentioned US. Prior to that, it had always been him, then me.Instantly, I became a regular in the chat room, showing my face on cam. Just about every night!I chatted with all kinds of people. It was great to be funny, sexy, happy....But I was still pretending. When it came to questions about him.... I pretended.
Dec 15, 2008 1:03 pm216 Views
and down I went. It was during the few months I was drugging all the time, that I discovered Adult FriendFinder. Well, technically, I didn't discover it. I woke up one morning, after 3days of being up, and high, to the phone ringing. It was the bank. Calling to ask me about a charge that had posted at 2am, to my debit card.It was a charge from Adult FriendFinder, while I was asleep. I asked the Meteor about it. At first, he denied knowing anything. Then he confessed. He had signed US up, as a couple. At first I was pissed! Then I started thinking about the idea of having sex again. The thought of it made me tingle with excitement. I knew he was a cheater only a week after the wedding. I was at a point with it, that the cheating didn't violate me anymore, it was more about the constant lies. So finally, I was going to get laid! Practically a dream come true! I became the 'voice' and face of some stupid, unintelligent screen name like HrNyCpL123456. Whatever. I hated the unimaginative name he had come up with, showed he had no personality. But, I did. I would be able to be myself, I was safe behind the computer screen being who I am, and if he got upset, I assured him I said what I needed to in order to get US laid. Actually after six years of marriage, I think it was the first time he didn't get upset when I mentioned US. Prior to that, it had always been him, then me.Instantly, I became a regular in the chat room, showing my face on cam. Just about every night!I chatted with all kinds of people. It was great to be funny, sexy, happy....But I was still pretending. When it came to questions about him.... I pretended.
Not Normal.
Not normal.
Dec 12, 2008 2:09 pm229 Views
What I should have done upon discovering the news that my husband, the person who was supposed to take care of me, was feeding me, unknowingly very dangerous illegal drugs, was flip shit. So-called normal people, would have done at least that much. But, I was a doormat. I wanted it to work. I didn't want to have to prove to myself that I deserved more than this. I should have known. I should have not ever trusted him, ever. More over, the truth of it was... I shouldn't have married him. Instead, in an effort to understand the allure of the drug world, and to be sure I had beaten a dead horse beyond recognition, I decided to not get angry, and do the drugs, on my own terms. During that time, while still feeling betrayed, I tried the cocaine that had gripped him so tightly that he would risk our life together. Sounds silly, to think he would ever be worried about losing a doormat such as myself. But that was my frame of mind. All hope was not lost, in my eyes. Cocaine did nothing for me. Other than make me want more cocaine. Which was pointless. Expensive. I knew I was allergic to pot... so that was out. Then he presented me with the little drug he had been infusing into my food and drink. Ecstacy. On my own terms, ecstacy, was well, ecstacy. Seems though, I was left alone every time. He and his cousin and there friends would leave me alone. They'd go out. I was too paranoid to leave... and they never invited me. So I did E, alone. Most of the time. Kinda defeated the purpose... But, I'd clean house, incessantly. Read. Write. Watch PBS like it was going out of style. Oh! and at the time, Bravo was showing Cirque du Soleil all the time... and it was amazing!I also lost about ten pounds everytime I took it. So, I renamed it. Fat Camp. Which also made it a dangerous drug. As someone who has always struggled to lose and maintain weight, dropping a quick ten, was such an attractive process, especially since it took almost no time OR effort at all. So attractive, I had considered doing it for the rest of my life. Never leaving. Just rollin' on Fat Camp, the rest of my life.
Dec 12, 2008 2:09 pm229 Views
What I should have done upon discovering the news that my husband, the person who was supposed to take care of me, was feeding me, unknowingly very dangerous illegal drugs, was flip shit. So-called normal people, would have done at least that much. But, I was a doormat. I wanted it to work. I didn't want to have to prove to myself that I deserved more than this. I should have known. I should have not ever trusted him, ever. More over, the truth of it was... I shouldn't have married him. Instead, in an effort to understand the allure of the drug world, and to be sure I had beaten a dead horse beyond recognition, I decided to not get angry, and do the drugs, on my own terms. During that time, while still feeling betrayed, I tried the cocaine that had gripped him so tightly that he would risk our life together. Sounds silly, to think he would ever be worried about losing a doormat such as myself. But that was my frame of mind. All hope was not lost, in my eyes. Cocaine did nothing for me. Other than make me want more cocaine. Which was pointless. Expensive. I knew I was allergic to pot... so that was out. Then he presented me with the little drug he had been infusing into my food and drink. Ecstacy. On my own terms, ecstacy, was well, ecstacy. Seems though, I was left alone every time. He and his cousin and there friends would leave me alone. They'd go out. I was too paranoid to leave... and they never invited me. So I did E, alone. Most of the time. Kinda defeated the purpose... But, I'd clean house, incessantly. Read. Write. Watch PBS like it was going out of style. Oh! and at the time, Bravo was showing Cirque du Soleil all the time... and it was amazing!I also lost about ten pounds everytime I took it. So, I renamed it. Fat Camp. Which also made it a dangerous drug. As someone who has always struggled to lose and maintain weight, dropping a quick ten, was such an attractive process, especially since it took almost no time OR effort at all. So attractive, I had considered doing it for the rest of my life. Never leaving. Just rollin' on Fat Camp, the rest of my life.
Ahhhh time.
Ahhhh time.
Dec 12, 2008 12:46 am198 Views
Time went on. It seemed like everyday, there were a new batch of 'druggies' descending on my house. Well, apartment. Strangers, coming and going as they pleased. I was not happy. I was cranky and tired, all the time. Insomnia set in after about two weeks of waiting for my insurance license to arrive, and I thought I couldn't sleep because I was bored.... or because there was a rip roaring party at my house almost every night of the week. If I were in college, or at least closer in age to the 'kids' that were hanging out in my house, it might've been cool. Or, if I was into doing drugs .... I wasn't. At all. But still, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't explain why, and I was jittery, and losing weight at an alarming rate. *****************************************************************I should have know he was that sleazy. I should have suspected that he was the reason why I was having difficulty sleeping, eating, etc. But, my head was so cloudy. Yet I had the clarity to write.... pages and volumes of poetry. The subjects were as far reaching as a pot that was left on the stove to life vs. death. I felt like I was going insane. And I was hotter than I'd ever been. I felt the heat from myself, constantly. I was running through batteries (because if you recall, he didn't want to have sex with me) and I blew out the motor on my favorite vibrator. And it was all him. He didn't even talk to me, and ask if I'd be willing to try it. He took it upon himself to slip it to me in my drinks, and food.Ecstasy. E. Rollin'.That is what was happening to me. He took it upon himself, to drug me.
Dec 12, 2008 12:46 am198 Views
Time went on. It seemed like everyday, there were a new batch of 'druggies' descending on my house. Well, apartment. Strangers, coming and going as they pleased. I was not happy. I was cranky and tired, all the time. Insomnia set in after about two weeks of waiting for my insurance license to arrive, and I thought I couldn't sleep because I was bored.... or because there was a rip roaring party at my house almost every night of the week. If I were in college, or at least closer in age to the 'kids' that were hanging out in my house, it might've been cool. Or, if I was into doing drugs .... I wasn't. At all. But still, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't explain why, and I was jittery, and losing weight at an alarming rate. *****************************************************************I should have know he was that sleazy. I should have suspected that he was the reason why I was having difficulty sleeping, eating, etc. But, my head was so cloudy. Yet I had the clarity to write.... pages and volumes of poetry. The subjects were as far reaching as a pot that was left on the stove to life vs. death. I felt like I was going insane. And I was hotter than I'd ever been. I felt the heat from myself, constantly. I was running through batteries (because if you recall, he didn't want to have sex with me) and I blew out the motor on my favorite vibrator. And it was all him. He didn't even talk to me, and ask if I'd be willing to try it. He took it upon himself to slip it to me in my drinks, and food.Ecstasy. E. Rollin'.That is what was happening to me. He took it upon himself, to drug me.
It's hard....
It's hard....
Dec 9, 2008 2:42 am197 Views
.... to remain positive, optimistic, and hopeful, when every where you turn, someone is keeping you from the thing you need most to sustain your existence. To solidify what you know is true in your heart, would be the validation from outside of your own body. To hear the words from another, that you long for more than any.To feel the warmth. Share a smile. A secret. A latte. Comfort through the frozen months. Cocooned to be released in spring, like a butterfly, beautiful, free, and light as air.
Dec 9, 2008 2:42 am197 Views
.... to remain positive, optimistic, and hopeful, when every where you turn, someone is keeping you from the thing you need most to sustain your existence. To solidify what you know is true in your heart, would be the validation from outside of your own body. To hear the words from another, that you long for more than any.To feel the warmth. Share a smile. A secret. A latte. Comfort through the frozen months. Cocooned to be released in spring, like a butterfly, beautiful, free, and light as air.
We moved again...
We moved again..
Dec 6, 2008 1:38 am230 Views
So the Meteor and I moved to Pennsylvania. I was able to find a job immediately... it was the sort of job, that I wasn't sure I would have the intestinal fortitude for, but I was up for the challenge. There is a lot of money to be had out in the world, why shouldn't I try to find some for myself and my husband. I was going to be selling insurance. In order to be able to take the job, I had to go to an intensive 3 weeks of training, two hours away from our soon to be new home. So I would have to live out in Harrisburg for this time frame, no big deal. The Meteor and his cousin would handle moving us into our new apartment. Little did I know, at the time, that his cousin, we'll call him Adam, was a huge drug user, and had all of the contacts, that I was hoping the Meteor would stay away from. At the time, this was of little concern to me, it was more important to re-gain our Independence, and think about our future, together. I went to training, met some weird, cool, people from all over the state of Pennsylvania, while the Meteor was back in Montgomery County, unpacking and arranging the house hold. I finished training, came home, to wait for my Insurance Producer's License to be approved. I was told it could take up to six weeks. So six weeks, potentially, of not working. Now I was aware that the Meteor has taken to smoking a joint here or there. However, by the time I came back from training, he was purchasing about an ounce or two a week. You must understand, that to this point in my life, the only drug I have ever done was weed, and I did try speed once (I snorted it). I have no knowledge how much it cost, or how much was a reasonable amount for a single person at one time. But, I did know that an ounce was a lot of weed for a single person. (I didn't smoke with him, at some point during my college years I realized that I was actually allergic to it, and it makes me physically ill. I actually vomit from it.)Adam, his girlfriend and their friends were constantly at the apartment. They'd go on drug runs together, and I'd be home either by myself, cleaning up after them OR entertaining the women folk that were associated with the friends and whomever. Bottom-line is I became, and very quickly I might add, in tune with what cravings each of these degenerates may have had. We were never alone. Someone was always "crashing" at our place, both literally and figuratively. After about three weeks, I couldn't take it anymore, I said something to the Meteor, in front of Adam, about how no one helps around the house, they don't contribute, and we are left paying for everyone's jones. He didn't like hearing me complain. He actually preferred the distraction that they created, or so it seemed. So, he made an announcement, that they all needed to help around the house, and buy food every now and then.... which was also a distraction. Shortly after that, I realized I was having trouble sleeping , for days. I attributed it, to stress. I was worried about money, I was worried about how much pot he was smoking.... I was also worried, because I thought he may have been using cocaine. I didn't want to make empty threats. I had told him back only a few months before, that if I ever found out he was using more than pot, I would leave him. I promised him that much. Would I have the strength to uphold my promise, if I found out what I suspected was true?? Was I just being paranoid? I had no reason to believe I was just paranoid, after all, I did know that he was cheating, every time he cheated. But, honestly, would I find the strength to confront him, and stand up for my self, for once?? Only time would tell.
Dec 6, 2008 1:38 am230 Views
So the Meteor and I moved to Pennsylvania. I was able to find a job immediately... it was the sort of job, that I wasn't sure I would have the intestinal fortitude for, but I was up for the challenge. There is a lot of money to be had out in the world, why shouldn't I try to find some for myself and my husband. I was going to be selling insurance. In order to be able to take the job, I had to go to an intensive 3 weeks of training, two hours away from our soon to be new home. So I would have to live out in Harrisburg for this time frame, no big deal. The Meteor and his cousin would handle moving us into our new apartment. Little did I know, at the time, that his cousin, we'll call him Adam, was a huge drug user, and had all of the contacts, that I was hoping the Meteor would stay away from. At the time, this was of little concern to me, it was more important to re-gain our Independence, and think about our future, together. I went to training, met some weird, cool, people from all over the state of Pennsylvania, while the Meteor was back in Montgomery County, unpacking and arranging the house hold. I finished training, came home, to wait for my Insurance Producer's License to be approved. I was told it could take up to six weeks. So six weeks, potentially, of not working. Now I was aware that the Meteor has taken to smoking a joint here or there. However, by the time I came back from training, he was purchasing about an ounce or two a week. You must understand, that to this point in my life, the only drug I have ever done was weed, and I did try speed once (I snorted it). I have no knowledge how much it cost, or how much was a reasonable amount for a single person at one time. But, I did know that an ounce was a lot of weed for a single person. (I didn't smoke with him, at some point during my college years I realized that I was actually allergic to it, and it makes me physically ill. I actually vomit from it.)Adam, his girlfriend and their friends were constantly at the apartment. They'd go on drug runs together, and I'd be home either by myself, cleaning up after them OR entertaining the women folk that were associated with the friends and whomever. Bottom-line is I became, and very quickly I might add, in tune with what cravings each of these degenerates may have had. We were never alone. Someone was always "crashing" at our place, both literally and figuratively. After about three weeks, I couldn't take it anymore, I said something to the Meteor, in front of Adam, about how no one helps around the house, they don't contribute, and we are left paying for everyone's jones. He didn't like hearing me complain. He actually preferred the distraction that they created, or so it seemed. So, he made an announcement, that they all needed to help around the house, and buy food every now and then.... which was also a distraction. Shortly after that, I realized I was having trouble sleeping , for days. I attributed it, to stress. I was worried about money, I was worried about how much pot he was smoking.... I was also worried, because I thought he may have been using cocaine. I didn't want to make empty threats. I had told him back only a few months before, that if I ever found out he was using more than pot, I would leave him. I promised him that much. Would I have the strength to uphold my promise, if I found out what I suspected was true?? Was I just being paranoid? I had no reason to believe I was just paranoid, after all, I did know that he was cheating, every time he cheated. But, honestly, would I find the strength to confront him, and stand up for my self, for once?? Only time would tell.
Living with my in-laws...
Living with my in-laws...
Dec 5, 2008 1:18 pm219 Views
Well to say the least, it was interesting, The Meteor's parents are truly wonderfully amazing people. Kind. Generous. Non-judgmental. But that house was fucking crazy. When the Meteor and I moved in, living there were his parents, his older sister, and her three children (all between the ages of 10 and 13). They had a cat.... and we had our two dogs. Right off the bat, there was contention because of the cat and the dogs. Then there was the issue of organizing everyone's schedule. I wanted to help with housework and whatnot... but it seemed that no matter what, Mommy Meteor would go right behind me. So I gave up on that. I had tried to find a job... and that wasn't panning out as I'd hoped. When the holidays came around, especially after the Meteor came home that night in November, high on god knows what, I thought it best if we started trying to find a way to move out. After all, we still had the severance money from the military, we could put a down payment on a house... or pay a few months rent somewhere. The opportunity rose at the Christmas Dinner table. (I barely saw my family, and they only lived about 30 minutes away... it was easier to concede once again, than to argue.) The Meteor's uncle lived in Pennsylvania on five acres. He offered for us to rent one of the apartments from him. There were two on the property, and one of them was vacant. It seemed too good to be true.We could regain our independence, and perhaps focus on our relationship with out interruptions from family, even though his uncle lived in the main house, it wasn't as though we were all under the same roof. We decided that we would begin to move in right away. I could look for a job in Pennsylvania, and the VA would be closer for him, and it wouldn't be too far from family, only about two hours. Things would be great!! I was very optimistic.
Dec 5, 2008 1:18 pm219 Views
Well to say the least, it was interesting, The Meteor's parents are truly wonderfully amazing people. Kind. Generous. Non-judgmental. But that house was fucking crazy. When the Meteor and I moved in, living there were his parents, his older sister, and her three children (all between the ages of 10 and 13). They had a cat.... and we had our two dogs. Right off the bat, there was contention because of the cat and the dogs. Then there was the issue of organizing everyone's schedule. I wanted to help with housework and whatnot... but it seemed that no matter what, Mommy Meteor would go right behind me. So I gave up on that. I had tried to find a job... and that wasn't panning out as I'd hoped. When the holidays came around, especially after the Meteor came home that night in November, high on god knows what, I thought it best if we started trying to find a way to move out. After all, we still had the severance money from the military, we could put a down payment on a house... or pay a few months rent somewhere. The opportunity rose at the Christmas Dinner table. (I barely saw my family, and they only lived about 30 minutes away... it was easier to concede once again, than to argue.) The Meteor's uncle lived in Pennsylvania on five acres. He offered for us to rent one of the apartments from him. There were two on the property, and one of them was vacant. It seemed too good to be true.We could regain our independence, and perhaps focus on our relationship with out interruptions from family, even though his uncle lived in the main house, it wasn't as though we were all under the same roof. We decided that we would begin to move in right away. I could look for a job in Pennsylvania, and the VA would be closer for him, and it wouldn't be too far from family, only about two hours. Things would be great!! I was very optimistic.
Thanksgiving.
While I have a few minutes....
Nov 29, 2008 1:57 pm241 Views
I just wanted to wish all of you a Happy and Healthy holiday season. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving day. Just a few things I am thankful for include: (in no particular order)My healthMy familyMy jobMy good friends I have made over the last yearMy freedom to express myselfThis blogMusic The roof over my head LaughterVampiresMy dogElectricityIndoor plumbingMy vaginaMy creative mind and nearly total recallLiteracyMy right to say noMuseumsHistory**My story will be continued when I have a little more time.
Nov 29, 2008 1:57 pm241 Views
I just wanted to wish all of you a Happy and Healthy holiday season. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving day. Just a few things I am thankful for include: (in no particular order)My healthMy familyMy jobMy good friends I have made over the last yearMy freedom to express myselfThis blogMusic The roof over my head LaughterVampiresMy dogElectricityIndoor plumbingMy vaginaMy creative mind and nearly total recallLiteracyMy right to say noMuseumsHistory**My story will be continued when I have a little more time.
Thank God...
Thank God.....
Nov 26, 2008 12:43 am213 Views
THAT'S OVER WITH!!! So anyway, now that I have alienated anyone who may have previously enjoyed my blogs, by writing about how I planned to kill myself..... Let me get this straight... I AM NOT EVER GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!So back to my little story, aka my life...So the Meteor and I moved back to New Jersey... in with his parents. Thankfully they had no misconceptions about what a monster their son could be ... however, they weren't looking to intervene either. And to be honest, they are and always will be wonderful people, but no so wonderful that I want to live with them for the rest of my life, if only to ensure the Meteor won't beat me, or cheat, or abuse me in any way. I had a feeling it was only a matter of time, before something completely fucked up happened. The Meteor lived his life always trying to be what he thought he was supposed to be ... but it is nearly impossible to fit a square peg in a round hole... and eventually someone is going to notice, that he just isn't suited to live that sort of life. When he was released from the military, he was severely addicted to prescription pain killers. I knew this, but I didn't know how to stop it, control it, or deal with it. I had discovered after we were married, that he had had drug addiction in his past... but street drug addiction and prescription drug addiction aren't the same, right? WRONG!We were living at his parents for about two months, when one night, he didn't come home from his friend's house when he said he would ( which was to be around 9 pm). In fact, he didn't show up home until almost 4:30 am. He was sweaty and cold. At first he said he was with his friend still, but I had called his friend hours ago to see if he was still there, I mean I thought he was laying in a ditch somewhere. I told him that I knew he wasn't still at his friend's house, because I had called, and woken him up at 1:30am. He then said he met up with another friend (whom I'd never heard of) and they went to a bar. I reminded him that it was 4:30 in the morning and that the bars close at two. He couldn't give me a good explanation. So I informed him that I was glad he was home safe, and that I was going to bed. He followed me to bed. I lay there stewing... because we were broke. I mean we had the severance package that the military gave him... but that had to last us until I/we found a job. He was out all night. I could feel his cold skin next to me in the bed. Cold and clammy. Cold, clammy, and vibrating. Now my experience to this point with the drug world was limited to pot, and thanks to him... pharmaceuticals. Whatever he was on... it made him feel hot inside, so hot, that he lost his coat in the middle of the night in November, with snow on the ground. But made his body vibrate as it lay next to me. It felt as though I was laying next to a corpse trying to be re-animated with electricity. I wanted to throw up. Finally I was able to sleep. Not for long. Because he woke me up, STILL HIGH, to make his confession. He said he was out with a guy. A guy I'd heard the name mentioned before, and never in a positive light. He said he met up with him after leaving his best friend's house. That the two of them DID go to a bar and have a few drinks, but that after the bar closed they ended up going to the guy's house, and smoking crack, or snorting it, or something. I was so angry I couldn't even speak. All I knew was that the Meteor had gone back to street drugs... and now that he has a taste for them again, there was no way I would survive. I informed him that I planned to try and go back to sleep, but he needed to remember that THIS was his one chance to fuck up. He wouldn't have any more chances from me. I would leave, if he used again. If he chose drugs over me. If I was pushed further down his list of priorities.
Nov 26, 2008 12:43 am213 Views
THAT'S OVER WITH!!! So anyway, now that I have alienated anyone who may have previously enjoyed my blogs, by writing about how I planned to kill myself..... Let me get this straight... I AM NOT EVER GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!So back to my little story, aka my life...So the Meteor and I moved back to New Jersey... in with his parents. Thankfully they had no misconceptions about what a monster their son could be ... however, they weren't looking to intervene either. And to be honest, they are and always will be wonderful people, but no so wonderful that I want to live with them for the rest of my life, if only to ensure the Meteor won't beat me, or cheat, or abuse me in any way. I had a feeling it was only a matter of time, before something completely fucked up happened. The Meteor lived his life always trying to be what he thought he was supposed to be ... but it is nearly impossible to fit a square peg in a round hole... and eventually someone is going to notice, that he just isn't suited to live that sort of life. When he was released from the military, he was severely addicted to prescription pain killers. I knew this, but I didn't know how to stop it, control it, or deal with it. I had discovered after we were married, that he had had drug addiction in his past... but street drug addiction and prescription drug addiction aren't the same, right? WRONG!We were living at his parents for about two months, when one night, he didn't come home from his friend's house when he said he would ( which was to be around 9 pm). In fact, he didn't show up home until almost 4:30 am. He was sweaty and cold. At first he said he was with his friend still, but I had called his friend hours ago to see if he was still there, I mean I thought he was laying in a ditch somewhere. I told him that I knew he wasn't still at his friend's house, because I had called, and woken him up at 1:30am. He then said he met up with another friend (whom I'd never heard of) and they went to a bar. I reminded him that it was 4:30 in the morning and that the bars close at two. He couldn't give me a good explanation. So I informed him that I was glad he was home safe, and that I was going to bed. He followed me to bed. I lay there stewing... because we were broke. I mean we had the severance package that the military gave him... but that had to last us until I/we found a job. He was out all night. I could feel his cold skin next to me in the bed. Cold and clammy. Cold, clammy, and vibrating. Now my experience to this point with the drug world was limited to pot, and thanks to him... pharmaceuticals. Whatever he was on... it made him feel hot inside, so hot, that he lost his coat in the middle of the night in November, with snow on the ground. But made his body vibrate as it lay next to me. It felt as though I was laying next to a corpse trying to be re-animated with electricity. I wanted to throw up. Finally I was able to sleep. Not for long. Because he woke me up, STILL HIGH, to make his confession. He said he was out with a guy. A guy I'd heard the name mentioned before, and never in a positive light. He said he met up with him after leaving his best friend's house. That the two of them DID go to a bar and have a few drinks, but that after the bar closed they ended up going to the guy's house, and smoking crack, or snorting it, or something. I was so angry I couldn't even speak. All I knew was that the Meteor had gone back to street drugs... and now that he has a taste for them again, there was no way I would survive. I informed him that I planned to try and go back to sleep, but he needed to remember that THIS was his one chance to fuck up. He wouldn't have any more chances from me. I would leave, if he used again. If he chose drugs over me. If I was pushed further down his list of priorities.
My suicide...
My suicide...
Nov 23, 2008 2:01 am199 Views
To continue the previous blog, I was waiting for the perfect moment to carry out my plan. I came close many times, prior to the major event with the Meteor, and something always kept me from proceeding. However nothing had the greatest impact as the events that I will now describe. Many, many times I thought about different ways I COULD off myself. I COULD learn how to tie a proper noose. I COULD somehow obtain the proper drugs to overdose on. I could do that AND more. But, there was so much risk of failure. At one point, I had even decided that if I could cut myself deep enough, I'd probably pass out from the sight of my own blood and then I wouldn't HAVE to watch myself bleed out. But, what if I didn't. What if I failed, and looked foolish. After the reconcilement with the Meteor, he made promises to try to be a better husband. He promised to be honest, and true to our marriage. But, he just couldn't. It isn't in his nature. Then came the heavy prescription drug use, which served to make him an even worse liar, and yet oddly more delusional that I was going to "buy" his bullshit. I couldn't see anyway out. All of my days and nights were spent cleaning up after him. Broken drinking glasses were a daily occurrence, knives stuck in the linoleum, bathtub water flowing over the edge. There was no end in sight. I no longer slept. I barely ate. I became a droid. A cooking, cleaning, service droid. RedsyBot 9000 at your service. I felt horrible. And Ugly. He spewed at me how ugly I was. Fat, stupid, pig. Dirty, sloppy, cunt. Useless waste of flesh. Whore. Slut. If it was derogatory, and awful, and something you wouldn't say to describe anyone, he used to call to me, and get me to help him. I was no longer human. I was a thing, here to serve him and his addiction. God forbid, I ask him for some honesty, or kind words, you would have thought I was begging for a limb.I was lower than dirt now. The physical abuse was one thing, bruises heal. But everyday, I was reminded how small I felt when the BMOC was still in my life. At least the Meteor wasn't drugging me. Small thanks, I suppose. I wanted to die everyday. I wanted this horrible life to end, so I could move on to a life more productive than this one. Even though I vowed to get away from him, what kind of person would I be, if I left him when he was disabled?? Despite EVERYTHING he had done to me, and was doing, I was still thinking that he needed someone to take care of him, and that person had to be me, because he didn't have anyone else at that point. I took a vow, 'In sickness and in health' and I meant to honor it, even if I was not afforded the same. Besides, family lived too far away. The only way out, was to die. My natural death was coming too slowly. Couldn't I get into a horrible accident?? I mean, accidents happen everyday, why can't that be me? That's when the idea struck me. I would have an 'accident'. A car accident. Timing was going to be everything, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process, so I would have to be the only car involved in the accident. So I thought, I'd drive up to the mountains.... and "fall" off the side. I meant to drive over the side of the mountain. It was perfect, and well, almost fail-proof. This is important. Shortly after I married the Meteor, I stopped wearing make-up, dressing up, I let myself go... mostly because it went unnoticed and unappreciated.The morning I had decided would be the day, I woke up and made breakfast, like normal. Then I drove the Meteor to work. I came home and took a long, hot, shower. I did all of the grooming I had sporadically been keeping up with, I shaved completely ... everywhere (except my head), painted my finger and toenails, groomed my eyebrows perfectly, gave my teeth a whitening treatment, blow dried my hair and did it just the way I always liked it, and did my makeup, flawlessly. I went to my closet and picked out some of the nicest things I owned, I attached a note to the outfit I wanted to be "viewed" in (personally, I do not want anyone to see me after I die, but I know that some people need that proof of seeing a lifeless vehicle for the soul in order to believe that the soul doesn't live there anymore). I also chose another outfit, the outfit I would wear when I died, later that day. Before I left my bedroom, I wanted to make sure everything was in place, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup.... and when I caught a glimpse of myself, I could see that all that I had been beaten to believe about myself was wrong. I mean sure I was overweight... but I certainly wasn't sloppy. I knew I wasn't stupid, just not intellectually stimulated. I hadn't had any sexual encounters during the previous five years, except that time the Meteor and I swapped with Chuck and Joy, I mentioned them in an earlier blog, so I couldn't have been a whore, after all he was the one who cheated constantly. You know what else??? I saw myself as beautiful, REALLY beautiful, maybe for the first time in my life. I mean I have long, thick, red hair, naturally... people pay a lot of money for that. I have awesome blue eyes, that I don't need glasses to see perfectly through. I have a cute nose that is the perfect size for my face, and doesn't have weird bumps or crooks in it. I have fabulous breasts, that are full, large, and round. I have a great pair of legs, muscular and strong. Perhaps, he needed a stronger prescription of glasses? Now, I wouldn't consider myself a beauty queen, but he was so wrong by calling me ugly, so I now he had to be wrong about most everything else. I finished getting ready, and kissed the dogs on their muzzles. I grabbed my purse and went out to the car, but I couldn't start it.From that day forward, I've worn makeup nearly every single day. I did commit suicide that day, but instead of only bringing death, shame, and heartache, I was born free. Free of his insults ever doing that much harm again. I still have depression, but since that day in March of 2005, I have been able to recognize it before it becomes a life or death situation. I know what I need to do to keep it in line, and never own me in that way again.
Nov 23, 2008 2:01 am199 Views
To continue the previous blog, I was waiting for the perfect moment to carry out my plan. I came close many times, prior to the major event with the Meteor, and something always kept me from proceeding. However nothing had the greatest impact as the events that I will now describe. Many, many times I thought about different ways I COULD off myself. I COULD learn how to tie a proper noose. I COULD somehow obtain the proper drugs to overdose on. I could do that AND more. But, there was so much risk of failure. At one point, I had even decided that if I could cut myself deep enough, I'd probably pass out from the sight of my own blood and then I wouldn't HAVE to watch myself bleed out. But, what if I didn't. What if I failed, and looked foolish. After the reconcilement with the Meteor, he made promises to try to be a better husband. He promised to be honest, and true to our marriage. But, he just couldn't. It isn't in his nature. Then came the heavy prescription drug use, which served to make him an even worse liar, and yet oddly more delusional that I was going to "buy" his bullshit. I couldn't see anyway out. All of my days and nights were spent cleaning up after him. Broken drinking glasses were a daily occurrence, knives stuck in the linoleum, bathtub water flowing over the edge. There was no end in sight. I no longer slept. I barely ate. I became a droid. A cooking, cleaning, service droid. RedsyBot 9000 at your service. I felt horrible. And Ugly. He spewed at me how ugly I was. Fat, stupid, pig. Dirty, sloppy, cunt. Useless waste of flesh. Whore. Slut. If it was derogatory, and awful, and something you wouldn't say to describe anyone, he used to call to me, and get me to help him. I was no longer human. I was a thing, here to serve him and his addiction. God forbid, I ask him for some honesty, or kind words, you would have thought I was begging for a limb.I was lower than dirt now. The physical abuse was one thing, bruises heal. But everyday, I was reminded how small I felt when the BMOC was still in my life. At least the Meteor wasn't drugging me. Small thanks, I suppose. I wanted to die everyday. I wanted this horrible life to end, so I could move on to a life more productive than this one. Even though I vowed to get away from him, what kind of person would I be, if I left him when he was disabled?? Despite EVERYTHING he had done to me, and was doing, I was still thinking that he needed someone to take care of him, and that person had to be me, because he didn't have anyone else at that point. I took a vow, 'In sickness and in health' and I meant to honor it, even if I was not afforded the same. Besides, family lived too far away. The only way out, was to die. My natural death was coming too slowly. Couldn't I get into a horrible accident?? I mean, accidents happen everyday, why can't that be me? That's when the idea struck me. I would have an 'accident'. A car accident. Timing was going to be everything, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process, so I would have to be the only car involved in the accident. So I thought, I'd drive up to the mountains.... and "fall" off the side. I meant to drive over the side of the mountain. It was perfect, and well, almost fail-proof. This is important. Shortly after I married the Meteor, I stopped wearing make-up, dressing up, I let myself go... mostly because it went unnoticed and unappreciated.The morning I had decided would be the day, I woke up and made breakfast, like normal. Then I drove the Meteor to work. I came home and took a long, hot, shower. I did all of the grooming I had sporadically been keeping up with, I shaved completely ... everywhere (except my head), painted my finger and toenails, groomed my eyebrows perfectly, gave my teeth a whitening treatment, blow dried my hair and did it just the way I always liked it, and did my makeup, flawlessly. I went to my closet and picked out some of the nicest things I owned, I attached a note to the outfit I wanted to be "viewed" in (personally, I do not want anyone to see me after I die, but I know that some people need that proof of seeing a lifeless vehicle for the soul in order to believe that the soul doesn't live there anymore). I also chose another outfit, the outfit I would wear when I died, later that day. Before I left my bedroom, I wanted to make sure everything was in place, clothes, shoes, hair, makeup.... and when I caught a glimpse of myself, I could see that all that I had been beaten to believe about myself was wrong. I mean sure I was overweight... but I certainly wasn't sloppy. I knew I wasn't stupid, just not intellectually stimulated. I hadn't had any sexual encounters during the previous five years, except that time the Meteor and I swapped with Chuck and Joy, I mentioned them in an earlier blog, so I couldn't have been a whore, after all he was the one who cheated constantly. You know what else??? I saw myself as beautiful, REALLY beautiful, maybe for the first time in my life. I mean I have long, thick, red hair, naturally... people pay a lot of money for that. I have awesome blue eyes, that I don't need glasses to see perfectly through. I have a cute nose that is the perfect size for my face, and doesn't have weird bumps or crooks in it. I have fabulous breasts, that are full, large, and round. I have a great pair of legs, muscular and strong. Perhaps, he needed a stronger prescription of glasses? Now, I wouldn't consider myself a beauty queen, but he was so wrong by calling me ugly, so I now he had to be wrong about most everything else. I finished getting ready, and kissed the dogs on their muzzles. I grabbed my purse and went out to the car, but I couldn't start it.From that day forward, I've worn makeup nearly every single day. I did commit suicide that day, but instead of only bringing death, shame, and heartache, I was born free. Free of his insults ever doing that much harm again. I still have depression, but since that day in March of 2005, I have been able to recognize it before it becomes a life or death situation. I know what I need to do to keep it in line, and never own me in that way again.
My depression,....
My depression....
Nov 21, 2008 11:20 am224 Views
To say that certain events in my life were horrific, can be considered an understatement. The BMOC, continually raping and beating me, as well as the psychological warfare he committed against me, especially at the early age which I became involved with him, was a recipe for years of suffering with depression. I share this now, because I have become enlightened as to how I have become who I am. The BMOC, was so significant in creating the timid, depressed, confused teen that I was, as well as the irresponsible adult that I am. I say irresponsible, because well I have not been good to myself. I have not been responsible with my heart. My relationship with the BMOC, paved the way for my fucked up marriage. This is not to say that I am a victim, or that I will continue on a course of self-destruction, allowing crazy, psycho, abusive individuals into my life. My relationship with the Meteor taught me that. Throughout my teen and adult life, I have known that I probably SHOULD be in therapy. I've used prescription anti-depressants, and have been to therapy a few times. BUT, something always goes awry, and I lose trust and faith in the therapist. Suicide has been on my mind a few times in my life. I believe the reason why it has even crossed my mind as an option, is because I wasn't recognizing my depression as I was headed into that dark tunnel in my mind. As I have become older, and more at peace with things that have happened to me, and decisions I have made, I am more adept at recognizing it before it becomes a life or death situation. Let me be clear. I have never made a suicide attempt. The reason for this is because I could not think of a method that was completely without fail. I always thought of reasons how I would screw it up. OR that I simply did not have the knowledge to pull it off successfully. I can't stand the sight of my own blood. I didn't have natural access to drugs that would do the deed. Never lived anywhere with a garage. Don't know how to tie a noose. I don't have access nor the ability to use a gun. AND so on and so forth. I didn't want to make a mistake. If I failed, I'd be worse off. In other words....I was so hopeless, so in despair, that I'd probably fuck up my own death too. That's very sad. At these times in my life, I felt so hopeless, that I knew I'd fail. So why bother trying? Prior to the events I most recently wrote about, (the Meteor wanting a divorce and the events that followed...) I fell on some pretty hard depression. I was realizing that I didn't have the energy to keep up appearances for the rest of my life. The life I wanted for myself wasn't within reach, in fact I couldn't even see it anymore. I was without hope, or dreams of the future. My future was bleak, and stark, and I didn't know how to fix it, nor did I believe I had the strength or knowledge to change it. So after thinking on it for a few days, I came up with a method that I felt was fail-proof. Now, I needed to wait for the perfect moment.
Nov 21, 2008 11:20 am224 Views
To say that certain events in my life were horrific, can be considered an understatement. The BMOC, continually raping and beating me, as well as the psychological warfare he committed against me, especially at the early age which I became involved with him, was a recipe for years of suffering with depression. I share this now, because I have become enlightened as to how I have become who I am. The BMOC, was so significant in creating the timid, depressed, confused teen that I was, as well as the irresponsible adult that I am. I say irresponsible, because well I have not been good to myself. I have not been responsible with my heart. My relationship with the BMOC, paved the way for my fucked up marriage. This is not to say that I am a victim, or that I will continue on a course of self-destruction, allowing crazy, psycho, abusive individuals into my life. My relationship with the Meteor taught me that. Throughout my teen and adult life, I have known that I probably SHOULD be in therapy. I've used prescription anti-depressants, and have been to therapy a few times. BUT, something always goes awry, and I lose trust and faith in the therapist. Suicide has been on my mind a few times in my life. I believe the reason why it has even crossed my mind as an option, is because I wasn't recognizing my depression as I was headed into that dark tunnel in my mind. As I have become older, and more at peace with things that have happened to me, and decisions I have made, I am more adept at recognizing it before it becomes a life or death situation. Let me be clear. I have never made a suicide attempt. The reason for this is because I could not think of a method that was completely without fail. I always thought of reasons how I would screw it up. OR that I simply did not have the knowledge to pull it off successfully. I can't stand the sight of my own blood. I didn't have natural access to drugs that would do the deed. Never lived anywhere with a garage. Don't know how to tie a noose. I don't have access nor the ability to use a gun. AND so on and so forth. I didn't want to make a mistake. If I failed, I'd be worse off. In other words....I was so hopeless, so in despair, that I'd probably fuck up my own death too. That's very sad. At these times in my life, I felt so hopeless, that I knew I'd fail. So why bother trying? Prior to the events I most recently wrote about, (the Meteor wanting a divorce and the events that followed...) I fell on some pretty hard depression. I was realizing that I didn't have the energy to keep up appearances for the rest of my life. The life I wanted for myself wasn't within reach, in fact I couldn't even see it anymore. I was without hope, or dreams of the future. My future was bleak, and stark, and I didn't know how to fix it, nor did I believe I had the strength or knowledge to change it. So after thinking on it for a few days, I came up with a method that I felt was fail-proof. Now, I needed to wait for the perfect moment.
Back home again...
Back home again...
Nov 19, 2008 8:25 pm177 Views
So we moved back to New Jersey, in with my in-laws. No one back home, really had any idea what our relationship was like, mostly because I had pretended for so long. Even with the prescription drug abuse, I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that anything was happening that I couldn't handle. Even more than that... I didn't want my family to know that I couldn't handle the life I had chosen for myself.I spent a lot of time and energy making sure other people thought I was strong. I wanted to be thought of as brave and stoic. I never wanted anyone to exploit any weaknesses I may have. Keeping up appearances. It was harder to do that while living with his family. They were always good to me, his mom and dad. But, I couldn't possibly share with them the nightmare that was their son. They wouldn't understand... they would side with him, and I would be the enemy. That was only partially true. It didn't take long for them to realize that he was addicted and abusing prescription drugs. It was a hazard not one because his parents lived there ... but his sister and her tween kids did too. And the children just didn't understand why their uncle was behaving in such a way.The stumbling throughout the night continued when we moved to his parents... except the space was bigger. However there were more people to help, and I couldn't hide it anymore. More people to witness what he was, and what he had become. *****There is a show on VH-1 called Celebrity Rehab, and Jeff Conway (he played Kenickie in Grease with John Travolta) is on the show. Well anyone who caught the show last season, when Conway first arrived at the Rehab Center, THAT is what I lived with every day. *****His mother sat me down one day and told me that I needed to do something. She said that she raised him, and now it was my turn. That conversation made a huge impact, because I realized ... though there were more people around... I was still on my own as far as what to do with him.It was a very lonely time.
Nov 19, 2008 8:25 pm177 Views
So we moved back to New Jersey, in with my in-laws. No one back home, really had any idea what our relationship was like, mostly because I had pretended for so long. Even with the prescription drug abuse, I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that anything was happening that I couldn't handle. Even more than that... I didn't want my family to know that I couldn't handle the life I had chosen for myself.I spent a lot of time and energy making sure other people thought I was strong. I wanted to be thought of as brave and stoic. I never wanted anyone to exploit any weaknesses I may have. Keeping up appearances. It was harder to do that while living with his family. They were always good to me, his mom and dad. But, I couldn't possibly share with them the nightmare that was their son. They wouldn't understand... they would side with him, and I would be the enemy. That was only partially true. It didn't take long for them to realize that he was addicted and abusing prescription drugs. It was a hazard not one because his parents lived there ... but his sister and her tween kids did too. And the children just didn't understand why their uncle was behaving in such a way.The stumbling throughout the night continued when we moved to his parents... except the space was bigger. However there were more people to help, and I couldn't hide it anymore. More people to witness what he was, and what he had become. *****There is a show on VH-1 called Celebrity Rehab, and Jeff Conway (he played Kenickie in Grease with John Travolta) is on the show. Well anyone who caught the show last season, when Conway first arrived at the Rehab Center, THAT is what I lived with every day. *****His mother sat me down one day and told me that I needed to do something. She said that she raised him, and now it was my turn. That conversation made a huge impact, because I realized ... though there were more people around... I was still on my own as far as what to do with him.It was a very lonely time.
Things were great...
Things were great....
Nov 19, 2008 12:37 am
...for a while. Soon after, another problem arose. The Meteor had chronic back pain. While suffering, he injured his back while on the job, and was given pain medication for it. It started with Tylenol 3's and then the Vicodin. It moved on from there to Elevil, to help his body better use the pain meds, and Neurontin. They sent him for test after test, pain specialists, neurologists, and no one could really see what the problem really was, he insisted that he didn't want to use the pain meds, that he wanted to be 'normal'.Well when pain management didn't work, and the neurologists refuse to do surgery, what was left?? Higher doses, different medications, more drugs. Soon came the Morphine injections when the pain was really bad, and the Fentynal patches.He abused them all .... When the Fentynal became 'less effective' they transitioned him to OxyContin and Morphine tablets. That they sent home with him, filling 15 - 30 tablet prescriptions daily. God Bless the United States Military. All the free drugs an addict could want!What I had on my hands was no longer a man; it was a whining, crying, sniffling, messy, zombie, 6'3", infant.I felt sorry for him. However, he was a danger to himself AND others. I quickly made a rule: No smoking in the house. This was after I found burn marks on the sofa, from where he obviously nodded off after leaving a burning cigarette on the arm of the couch.It wasn't long after that I knew that I couldn't go to sleep if I knew he was going to be "awake". If he was not lying in bed next to me... then I needed to be awake... for fear he'd hurt himself. Or burn the house down. One night I woke up at 3 am to find him in the kitchen, eggs broken on the floor, a knife on the floor, the burner on - on the stove with an empty pan burning on top, and him nodded out at the kitchen sink. I lived like this for more than a year. Then he received a medical discharge from the military. And we moved back to New Jersey... with his parents.
Nov 19, 2008 12:37 am
...for a while. Soon after, another problem arose. The Meteor had chronic back pain. While suffering, he injured his back while on the job, and was given pain medication for it. It started with Tylenol 3's and then the Vicodin. It moved on from there to Elevil, to help his body better use the pain meds, and Neurontin. They sent him for test after test, pain specialists, neurologists, and no one could really see what the problem really was, he insisted that he didn't want to use the pain meds, that he wanted to be 'normal'.Well when pain management didn't work, and the neurologists refuse to do surgery, what was left?? Higher doses, different medications, more drugs. Soon came the Morphine injections when the pain was really bad, and the Fentynal patches.He abused them all .... When the Fentynal became 'less effective' they transitioned him to OxyContin and Morphine tablets. That they sent home with him, filling 15 - 30 tablet prescriptions daily. God Bless the United States Military. All the free drugs an addict could want!What I had on my hands was no longer a man; it was a whining, crying, sniffling, messy, zombie, 6'3", infant.I felt sorry for him. However, he was a danger to himself AND others. I quickly made a rule: No smoking in the house. This was after I found burn marks on the sofa, from where he obviously nodded off after leaving a burning cigarette on the arm of the couch.It wasn't long after that I knew that I couldn't go to sleep if I knew he was going to be "awake". If he was not lying in bed next to me... then I needed to be awake... for fear he'd hurt himself. Or burn the house down. One night I woke up at 3 am to find him in the kitchen, eggs broken on the floor, a knife on the floor, the burner on - on the stove with an empty pan burning on top, and him nodded out at the kitchen sink. I lived like this for more than a year. Then he received a medical discharge from the military. And we moved back to New Jersey... with his parents.
He came back.
So the Meteor came back....
Nov 15, 2008 1:37 am168 Views
Things were quiet between us .... I feel like I should remind any readers that this all took place in the Fall of 2004, so it's not THAT recent. However.He came back. I was still planning on leaving as soon as I could. I held a yard sale, and sold a ton of our things. Things, really that we never needed, but just took up space. The day of the yard sale, he took off... went to visit the woman he was NOT having an affair with, that lived two hours away. I'm not an idiot... I know he went to see her. Even after our confrontation, he still thinks I am an idiot, or that he is clever. Either way he was wrong again. Anyhow, I sold our entertainment center. The guy I sold it to, said he'd pick it up in a few days, and I said that would be fine. When the Meteor came home, I told him about the entertainment center.... he was unusually attached to the thing, and he got upset. Not angry... but I could see the wheels turning. He was thinking that this whole thing was a mistake. I happened to be at work when the guy came to pick up the entertainment center. The Meteor called me at work, screaming and yelling into the phone for me to 'get my lazy ass home and deal with this shit!' I calmly told him that I would be at work for a few more hours, and that I couldn't leave (he knew I couldn't) for a another hour or so. He hung up, and called back about a half an hour later, and apologized for over reacting. I accepted his apology, and dropped the subject. When I got home that night he was sitting on the couch. He seemed to be thinking very hard, and for a very long time. He asked me if he could make me something to eat. If he could do anything for me. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do.... was he trying to get in my good graces just to let me down again... or was he trying to feel out the opportunity for a reconcilement. A few days later I got my answer. He wanted to make it up to me. Take it all back. I knew this marriage wouldn't last forever. In many ways, I had always known that. But this was about self-preservation. This was about making the best choice for the time. Privately, I vowed to myself to plan to break free of his tyranny once and for all, as soon as I knew I would have the support of my family, and somewhere to go. Now was NOT the time. Not when I was living on the other side of the country from my family. Not when I wasn't 100% sure that I had done all I could to save this marriage. After all, I didn't believe divorce should ever be an option. I agreed to try to make the marriage work. To work harder than I already was, to make my marriage right. But we needed ground rules, I needed to know that he wasn't wanting to stay with me just so he wouldn't have to be without the dogs. Or his stuff. Or whatever. He said he would agree to anything. First and foremost, he would need to address me as a human being and not some idiot punching bag. Second, he would need to make more of an effort to know me intimately, i.e. sex. Third, we needed counseling, big time. Fourth, he was to seek out help for his anger, and admit to his RO, what he had done (because I didn't mention, but during mediation, I was accused of being a liar several times, because the photos the police took, didn't show the marks on my throat). Fifth and probably the most important, he was to stop the incessant lying, and be upfront with me 100% of the time. For the first time in my marriage, I felt like THIS was the guy I bargained for. It only lasted for so long.
Nov 15, 2008 1:37 am168 Views
Things were quiet between us .... I feel like I should remind any readers that this all took place in the Fall of 2004, so it's not THAT recent. However.He came back. I was still planning on leaving as soon as I could. I held a yard sale, and sold a ton of our things. Things, really that we never needed, but just took up space. The day of the yard sale, he took off... went to visit the woman he was NOT having an affair with, that lived two hours away. I'm not an idiot... I know he went to see her. Even after our confrontation, he still thinks I am an idiot, or that he is clever. Either way he was wrong again. Anyhow, I sold our entertainment center. The guy I sold it to, said he'd pick it up in a few days, and I said that would be fine. When the Meteor came home, I told him about the entertainment center.... he was unusually attached to the thing, and he got upset. Not angry... but I could see the wheels turning. He was thinking that this whole thing was a mistake. I happened to be at work when the guy came to pick up the entertainment center. The Meteor called me at work, screaming and yelling into the phone for me to 'get my lazy ass home and deal with this shit!' I calmly told him that I would be at work for a few more hours, and that I couldn't leave (he knew I couldn't) for a another hour or so. He hung up, and called back about a half an hour later, and apologized for over reacting. I accepted his apology, and dropped the subject. When I got home that night he was sitting on the couch. He seemed to be thinking very hard, and for a very long time. He asked me if he could make me something to eat. If he could do anything for me. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do.... was he trying to get in my good graces just to let me down again... or was he trying to feel out the opportunity for a reconcilement. A few days later I got my answer. He wanted to make it up to me. Take it all back. I knew this marriage wouldn't last forever. In many ways, I had always known that. But this was about self-preservation. This was about making the best choice for the time. Privately, I vowed to myself to plan to break free of his tyranny once and for all, as soon as I knew I would have the support of my family, and somewhere to go. Now was NOT the time. Not when I was living on the other side of the country from my family. Not when I wasn't 100% sure that I had done all I could to save this marriage. After all, I didn't believe divorce should ever be an option. I agreed to try to make the marriage work. To work harder than I already was, to make my marriage right. But we needed ground rules, I needed to know that he wasn't wanting to stay with me just so he wouldn't have to be without the dogs. Or his stuff. Or whatever. He said he would agree to anything. First and foremost, he would need to address me as a human being and not some idiot punching bag. Second, he would need to make more of an effort to know me intimately, i.e. sex. Third, we needed counseling, big time. Fourth, he was to seek out help for his anger, and admit to his RO, what he had done (because I didn't mention, but during mediation, I was accused of being a liar several times, because the photos the police took, didn't show the marks on my throat). Fifth and probably the most important, he was to stop the incessant lying, and be upfront with me 100% of the time. For the first time in my marriage, I felt like THIS was the guy I bargained for. It only lasted for so long.
The next few weeks...
The next few weeks...
Nov 14, 2008 12:15 pm160 Views
I spent the next few weeks, preparing to move back home with my parents. His parents wanted me to come and stay with them. Part of me was grateful that they were still as gracious as ever. Another part thought... that is another way the Meteor can keep tabs on me. I didn't know what the right thing was, to do. After about 4 days of the no-contact order, we had to meet for mediation. I was strong-armed by the 'boys in blue' to take him back into my/our house. He promised to not become violent, and they made me promise to not antagonize him. What the fuck?? He threatens my life. Tries to choke me out. AND I DESERVED IT??? That's fucked up. But I had no where to go. So I had to do what I had to do. The alternative was to be kicked out of my house on base, since he was the military member, and was not actively living there. So yes. I took him back, into my home. Our home was being watched closely by not just the neighbors, but the police as well. I didn't feel safe. But he was numb.
Nov 14, 2008 12:15 pm160 Views
I spent the next few weeks, preparing to move back home with my parents. His parents wanted me to come and stay with them. Part of me was grateful that they were still as gracious as ever. Another part thought... that is another way the Meteor can keep tabs on me. I didn't know what the right thing was, to do. After about 4 days of the no-contact order, we had to meet for mediation. I was strong-armed by the 'boys in blue' to take him back into my/our house. He promised to not become violent, and they made me promise to not antagonize him. What the fuck?? He threatens my life. Tries to choke me out. AND I DESERVED IT??? That's fucked up. But I had no where to go. So I had to do what I had to do. The alternative was to be kicked out of my house on base, since he was the military member, and was not actively living there. So yes. I took him back, into my home. Our home was being watched closely by not just the neighbors, but the police as well. I didn't feel safe. But he was numb.
Recap..
Recap..
Nov 14, 2008 12:57 am150 Views
Okay, here's what you know so far..... I was abused by my first psychopathic boyfriend, too young to really realize what was going on, or the damage it would cause me.I became promiscuous. I moved away from home after high school.Moved back a few years later.Still promiscuous. I met a 'man' I've named here The Meteor. He cheated incessantly. Was physically abusive. Withheld sex as a means of control. Was emotionally abusive. I pretended everything was peachy. It wasn't. Things came to a head, involving the local officials.So what do you think happened next? Through this oversimplified version of my story, I as a reader KNOW what I would want for the heroine in this tale. I know what I hope she'll do, but alas, with most decent dramas, the heroine doesn't seem to realize until all is lost what she MUST do, without fail. Shall I continue? I think I should. At some point during the night I was able to cast a few moments of sleep. It wasn't restful, and I woke up on the couch in the living room. All the lights on, TV playing in the background. I went back to something I forfeited because of the Meteor, but always enjoyed. I turned off the TV, probably for the first time in four years, and went to my music. I listened to a bit of everything I owned, that first lonely day. Some Mozart, Pink Floyd, Dave Matthews, James Taylor, White Zombie, whatever my hands touched, my ears would hear. I came to a few songs that brought back wonderful memories. Then while I was going through some things, in order to plan a yard sale, so I would have a bit of money, I came across John Mayer's Heavier Things, it hadn't been out long, but I'd realized that I never had a chance to HEAR it. The Meteor, was usually barking at me about something I didn't do right, or could have done better, so I was hearing it for the first time. Split Screen Sadness spoke to me, I'll post some lyrics, it felt right at the time, like it really explained how I was feeling, and how I thought HE should be feeling. And I don't know where you went when you left me butSays here in the water you must be gone by nowI can tell somehowOne hand on the trigger of a telephoneWondering when the call comesWhere you say it's alrightYou got your heart rightI calledBecauseI justNeed to feel you on the lineDon't hang up this timeAnd I know it was me who called it over butI still wish you'd fought me 'till your dying dayDon't let me get awayCause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with meSo I can say this is the way that I used to beThere's no substitute for timeOr for the sadnessSplit screen sadnessWe share the sadnessThat's only a bit of it. And no, it's not perfect, but it's a glimpse into my world as it was. For days and days I used music to express how my heart ached. Modest Mouse was another favorite for that time. Blame it on the Tetons.... appropriate since the Tetons were nearby. Blame it on the Tetons. Yeah, I need a scapegoat now. No my dog won't bite you, though it had the right to. You oughta give her credit 'cause she knows I would've let it happen. Blame it on the weekends. God I need a cola now. Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting. Blame it all on me 'cause God I need a cold one now. All them eager actors gladly taking credit For the lines created by the people tucked away from sight Is just a window from the room we're bound to. If you find a way out, oh would you just let me know how? Would you just let me know how? Blame it on the web but the spider's your problem now. Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in. Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem. Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now. Every one's a building burning With no one to put the fire out. Standing at the window looking out, Waiting for time to burn us down. Every one's an ocean drowning With no one really to show how. They might get a little better air If they turned themselves into a cloud.Or perhaps the chorus from Black Cadillacs. And we're done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around. You were so true to yourself. You were true to no one else well I should put you in the ground. I've got the time, I got the hours, I got the days, I got the weeks. I could say to myself I've got the words but I can't speak. Well, I was done, done, done with all the circ, circ, circlin' round. I didn't die and I ain't complainin'. I ain't blamin' you. I didn't know that the words you said to me meant more to me than they ever could you? I didn't lie and I ain't sayin' I told the whole truth. I didn't know that this game we were playin' even had a set of rules. I had a lot of emotions swirling around inside me. I needed a creative way to express them, or I'd drive myself mad. I hadn't eaten since he initially dropped the bomb. I barely slept. I was in for a long few weeks.
Nov 14, 2008 12:57 am150 Views
Okay, here's what you know so far..... I was abused by my first psychopathic boyfriend, too young to really realize what was going on, or the damage it would cause me.I became promiscuous. I moved away from home after high school.Moved back a few years later.Still promiscuous. I met a 'man' I've named here The Meteor. He cheated incessantly. Was physically abusive. Withheld sex as a means of control. Was emotionally abusive. I pretended everything was peachy. It wasn't. Things came to a head, involving the local officials.So what do you think happened next? Through this oversimplified version of my story, I as a reader KNOW what I would want for the heroine in this tale. I know what I hope she'll do, but alas, with most decent dramas, the heroine doesn't seem to realize until all is lost what she MUST do, without fail. Shall I continue? I think I should. At some point during the night I was able to cast a few moments of sleep. It wasn't restful, and I woke up on the couch in the living room. All the lights on, TV playing in the background. I went back to something I forfeited because of the Meteor, but always enjoyed. I turned off the TV, probably for the first time in four years, and went to my music. I listened to a bit of everything I owned, that first lonely day. Some Mozart, Pink Floyd, Dave Matthews, James Taylor, White Zombie, whatever my hands touched, my ears would hear. I came to a few songs that brought back wonderful memories. Then while I was going through some things, in order to plan a yard sale, so I would have a bit of money, I came across John Mayer's Heavier Things, it hadn't been out long, but I'd realized that I never had a chance to HEAR it. The Meteor, was usually barking at me about something I didn't do right, or could have done better, so I was hearing it for the first time. Split Screen Sadness spoke to me, I'll post some lyrics, it felt right at the time, like it really explained how I was feeling, and how I thought HE should be feeling. And I don't know where you went when you left me butSays here in the water you must be gone by nowI can tell somehowOne hand on the trigger of a telephoneWondering when the call comesWhere you say it's alrightYou got your heart rightI calledBecauseI justNeed to feel you on the lineDon't hang up this timeAnd I know it was me who called it over butI still wish you'd fought me 'till your dying dayDon't let me get awayCause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with meSo I can say this is the way that I used to beThere's no substitute for timeOr for the sadnessSplit screen sadnessWe share the sadnessThat's only a bit of it. And no, it's not perfect, but it's a glimpse into my world as it was. For days and days I used music to express how my heart ached. Modest Mouse was another favorite for that time. Blame it on the Tetons.... appropriate since the Tetons were nearby. Blame it on the Tetons. Yeah, I need a scapegoat now. No my dog won't bite you, though it had the right to. You oughta give her credit 'cause she knows I would've let it happen. Blame it on the weekends. God I need a cola now. Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting. Blame it all on me 'cause God I need a cold one now. All them eager actors gladly taking credit For the lines created by the people tucked away from sight Is just a window from the room we're bound to. If you find a way out, oh would you just let me know how? Would you just let me know how? Blame it on the web but the spider's your problem now. Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in. Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem. Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now. Every one's a building burning With no one to put the fire out. Standing at the window looking out, Waiting for time to burn us down. Every one's an ocean drowning With no one really to show how. They might get a little better air If they turned themselves into a cloud.Or perhaps the chorus from Black Cadillacs. And we're done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around. You were so true to yourself. You were true to no one else well I should put you in the ground. I've got the time, I got the hours, I got the days, I got the weeks. I could say to myself I've got the words but I can't speak. Well, I was done, done, done with all the circ, circ, circlin' round. I didn't die and I ain't complainin'. I ain't blamin' you. I didn't know that the words you said to me meant more to me than they ever could you? I didn't lie and I ain't sayin' I told the whole truth. I didn't know that this game we were playin' even had a set of rules. I had a lot of emotions swirling around inside me. I needed a creative way to express them, or I'd drive myself mad. I hadn't eaten since he initially dropped the bomb. I barely slept. I was in for a long few weeks.
They took him away..
They took him away....
Nov 13, 2008 12:29 pm166 Views
Yes. The Meteor was gone, for now. The police arrested him. Took photos of me. AND of the years of damage he had done to our home. Holes punched through, that I covered with pictures. Band-aids. To hide the pain inside. I realized in those next days with out him, that I had become quite adept at hiding. I became the clown. The jokester. The sarcastic one. The helper. I became whatever anyone had ever wanted me to become, to disguise the damage that began so many years before. Remember the BMOC?? The psycho first taste of "love"? The damage he created from his continual rape and torture of my mind and body, still existed...THAT's how I got here, that's the evil that created this scared, scarred, wounded little girl, that stepped into the light for the first time since she was thirteen. I was alone in the house. Quiet. My two precious dogs still in their hiding places to afraid from all of the commotion to come out. I sat and meditated on what to do next. Neighbors, came by to see if I was okay. Save for the thumbprint on the right side of my jaw, I was physically 'okay'. I sent them all away. I couldn't handle feeling like I had to explain a lifetime of bad choices to mere acquaintances. After all, they would probably reject me and retaliate soon anyway. My head was a mess. This man... the Meteor, I had trusted, time and again. Trusted with my heart, body and mind, and he continually let me down. I TRUSTED HIM. If I allowed this to happen, how in hell was I to trust myself. Just then, the phone rang. It was his RO- Reporting Officer aka the Supervisor. Immediately, this man I had never met was berating me for calling the police, stating that I should have called HIM. He said that I was single handedly ruining the Meteor's career! ME! The one who tried to protect him... who has been taking care of him, while he just sat back and watched me waste away! Meanwhile this Supervisor, never extended himself to me, never even introduced himself to me! He got to the business of his call. He said that he needed to come by and pick up some things for the Meteor, for work and what not because they had put him up in one of the Dormitories on base to live, until the official separation began, or the mediation came to a conclusion that we could all live with. He said he would be by the house in an hour. I set to the task of preparing his things. I pressed his uniforms, packed up a few books, clothes to relax in, all of his toiletries, a bag with food items from the house so he would be able to eat, and some movies I knew he liked, I went above and beyond for him... as I always did. I think I even sent the Play-station with a few games.The Supervisor arrived at my house, and I invited him inside. I told him that the Meteor's items were in the kitchen, and when he saw all that was there, he immediately set upon apologizing for his words in our phone conversation earlier that day. I thanked him for his apology, and told him that I understood why he said those things, I told him how I have been weaving this web of lies about the Meteor, by not reporting earlier violence he committed against me. The supervisor looked around my home and saw the band-aids that had been removed by the police, and the festering wounds that remained. I was too numb for any forced emotion... and before I realized I was sobbing. Heavy, heaving, sobs. My body exhausted from the turmoil of the past few hours. I wept so hard I began to vomit. The Supervisor asked me to go to the hospital, but the embarrassment of facing more people who would want an explanation, caused great anxiety. The supervisor told me "You are a good woman. I have never in all of my years picked up items that were as thoughtful, or thorough as what you have packed for him." That comment was bittersweet. I thought, what a fool am I, if it were he in my present situation, would he have done so much for me?? Probably not. Yet, at the same time, I was proud that I could still do my very best for someone who certainly never deserved my best. The supervisor left, and I was alone again. The worst day of my life finally came to an end. I went to bed, but I did not sleep.
Nov 13, 2008 12:29 pm166 Views
Yes. The Meteor was gone, for now. The police arrested him. Took photos of me. AND of the years of damage he had done to our home. Holes punched through, that I covered with pictures. Band-aids. To hide the pain inside. I realized in those next days with out him, that I had become quite adept at hiding. I became the clown. The jokester. The sarcastic one. The helper. I became whatever anyone had ever wanted me to become, to disguise the damage that began so many years before. Remember the BMOC?? The psycho first taste of "love"? The damage he created from his continual rape and torture of my mind and body, still existed...THAT's how I got here, that's the evil that created this scared, scarred, wounded little girl, that stepped into the light for the first time since she was thirteen. I was alone in the house. Quiet. My two precious dogs still in their hiding places to afraid from all of the commotion to come out. I sat and meditated on what to do next. Neighbors, came by to see if I was okay. Save for the thumbprint on the right side of my jaw, I was physically 'okay'. I sent them all away. I couldn't handle feeling like I had to explain a lifetime of bad choices to mere acquaintances. After all, they would probably reject me and retaliate soon anyway. My head was a mess. This man... the Meteor, I had trusted, time and again. Trusted with my heart, body and mind, and he continually let me down. I TRUSTED HIM. If I allowed this to happen, how in hell was I to trust myself. Just then, the phone rang. It was his RO- Reporting Officer aka the Supervisor. Immediately, this man I had never met was berating me for calling the police, stating that I should have called HIM. He said that I was single handedly ruining the Meteor's career! ME! The one who tried to protect him... who has been taking care of him, while he just sat back and watched me waste away! Meanwhile this Supervisor, never extended himself to me, never even introduced himself to me! He got to the business of his call. He said that he needed to come by and pick up some things for the Meteor, for work and what not because they had put him up in one of the Dormitories on base to live, until the official separation began, or the mediation came to a conclusion that we could all live with. He said he would be by the house in an hour. I set to the task of preparing his things. I pressed his uniforms, packed up a few books, clothes to relax in, all of his toiletries, a bag with food items from the house so he would be able to eat, and some movies I knew he liked, I went above and beyond for him... as I always did. I think I even sent the Play-station with a few games.The Supervisor arrived at my house, and I invited him inside. I told him that the Meteor's items were in the kitchen, and when he saw all that was there, he immediately set upon apologizing for his words in our phone conversation earlier that day. I thanked him for his apology, and told him that I understood why he said those things, I told him how I have been weaving this web of lies about the Meteor, by not reporting earlier violence he committed against me. The supervisor looked around my home and saw the band-aids that had been removed by the police, and the festering wounds that remained. I was too numb for any forced emotion... and before I realized I was sobbing. Heavy, heaving, sobs. My body exhausted from the turmoil of the past few hours. I wept so hard I began to vomit. The Supervisor asked me to go to the hospital, but the embarrassment of facing more people who would want an explanation, caused great anxiety. The supervisor told me "You are a good woman. I have never in all of my years picked up items that were as thoughtful, or thorough as what you have packed for him." That comment was bittersweet. I thought, what a fool am I, if it were he in my present situation, would he have done so much for me?? Probably not. Yet, at the same time, I was proud that I could still do my very best for someone who certainly never deserved my best. The supervisor left, and I was alone again. The worst day of my life finally came to an end. I went to bed, but I did not sleep.
An eternity it was ...
And an eternity it was.....
Nov 11, 2008 4:40 pm
.... I could feel myself losing my breath. But I couldn't give up! This was MY life, and I was taking it back!!I stared him in the eye.... The Meteor, that came crashing into my life, destroying it, destroying me every time he spoke to me, every time he put his hands on me. I was so angry! Angry that he would be the one to say he would leave! Angry that it had taken until my very life was at stake to FINALLY stand up for MY SELF! Angry that I had allowed this sorry excuse for a man make a fool out of me time and again!Enough was enough. He continued to hold me by the throat, as I struggled to breath. I struggled to speak, and every word I spoke, weakened him. I didn't cry. I didn't blink. I stated the facts, and for once remained calm and rational. I stared into his eyes, reminding him that prison will be tough. Reminding him that he was committing a crime, and that it was I who held HIS fate in MY hands. The very thing he was trying to destroy WILL destroy him, and that THING .... was me. He let me go and ran out of the house. I lunged for the phone and dialed the police, they asked me to remain on the line until the officers reached me. I did. Things were different after that.
Nov 11, 2008 4:40 pm
.... I could feel myself losing my breath. But I couldn't give up! This was MY life, and I was taking it back!!I stared him in the eye.... The Meteor, that came crashing into my life, destroying it, destroying me every time he spoke to me, every time he put his hands on me. I was so angry! Angry that he would be the one to say he would leave! Angry that it had taken until my very life was at stake to FINALLY stand up for MY SELF! Angry that I had allowed this sorry excuse for a man make a fool out of me time and again!Enough was enough. He continued to hold me by the throat, as I struggled to breath. I struggled to speak, and every word I spoke, weakened him. I didn't cry. I didn't blink. I stated the facts, and for once remained calm and rational. I stared into his eyes, reminding him that prison will be tough. Reminding him that he was committing a crime, and that it was I who held HIS fate in MY hands. The very thing he was trying to destroy WILL destroy him, and that THING .... was me. He let me go and ran out of the house. I lunged for the phone and dialed the police, they asked me to remain on the line until the officers reached me. I did. Things were different after that.
When he finally came home...
When he finally came home.....
Sep 24, 2008 7:01 pm
.... I was very calm. I made a point to remain even keeled and measured every move, every word and I simply said, " I know you have been with another woman, but at this point, I don't care. All I want to say is that you are without a doubt the most selfish person I know, leaving me with no money, no car, and no groceries in the house. Where you have been doesn't matter, but no one knew where you were, and your family, friends, and command; as well as I have been worried about you. I hope you found what you were searching for..."The Meteor became very angry... very quickly. He began emptying his laundry in to the basket, and I could see he had been in a home, NOT in a hotel, like he said he would have been. A home. With children. The fruity cereal stuck to the bottoms of his dirty socks was evidence of that. I knew any comments I made to him would anger him. The anger wasn't a shock. What was a shock was my indifference to it. There were more words between us. He denied being with another woman. Tried to lie. But, failed at every turn. I called him out on every false statement knowing, that he could, at any moment become physically violent. After all, what did I have to lose? My marriage was failing, a marriage I might add, that was only sacred to me. A marriage, where one spouse cheated on and abused the other. A marriage that was void of intimacy on the most important levels. A marriage, that was never REALLY a marriage to begin with. So, I ask again, what did I have to lose??So what if he got angry. So what if he got violent. Maybe then I would be free. Maybe HE would set me free. That is when, for the FIRST TIME, I realized, I WASN'T afraid of him.He did become violent. He chased me around the house. He got a hold of me in the living room. Grabbed me by the arm and slapped me in the face. I broke free of him and ran upstairs to the bedroom and shut and locked the door. Within seconds he was kicking the door off it's hinges. I was cornered. No way out. The Meteor pinned my up against the wall by my throat. He was spewing vile words in my face. "Whore!" "Slut!" "Fat Stupid Cunt!" Were among the names he called me. I was numb to it. He said "You stupid, dirty, sloppy, cunt .... I should kill you and chop you into small pieces and feed you to the coyotes? No one would care..."I struggled to speak, his large thick hand pressing into my throat, "If you are going to kill me, just do it, and get it over with, you son of a bitch! But, know this: if you let me go, I will call the police, and you will go to jail."A light bulb went off in my head. But, at the same time, it seemed as though the voice were coming from someone else. It was ME. I was the one who was speaking. I was standing up, finally FOR ME!I did not fear my death at his hands. I felt his large meaty hand pushing further into my throat. I struggled under the weight of him, as he slapped me with the hand that wasn't pinning me to the wall, and was kicking me with his feet. I forced more words from my mouth and said "Do it cocksucker! Keep at least one promise you've made to me!" He had no response. I looked at him, straight in the eyes, he was cold, his eyes were dead, I thought I really might die that day, at his lethal hands.I kept on, kept berating him, the way he had me for the four and a half years building up to this moment. I didn't back down. I couldn't. If I was going to die, then I was going to fight for my life. HE was too strong for me to fight him physically, but as long as there was air in my lungs he would hear all that was on my mind at that moment. The Meteor seemed to be unaffected by my words, but shaken by my sudden bravery, courage, and brazen behavior. He held me by the throat, to that wall for what seemed to be an eternity.
Sep 24, 2008 7:01 pm
.... I was very calm. I made a point to remain even keeled and measured every move, every word and I simply said, " I know you have been with another woman, but at this point, I don't care. All I want to say is that you are without a doubt the most selfish person I know, leaving me with no money, no car, and no groceries in the house. Where you have been doesn't matter, but no one knew where you were, and your family, friends, and command; as well as I have been worried about you. I hope you found what you were searching for..."The Meteor became very angry... very quickly. He began emptying his laundry in to the basket, and I could see he had been in a home, NOT in a hotel, like he said he would have been. A home. With children. The fruity cereal stuck to the bottoms of his dirty socks was evidence of that. I knew any comments I made to him would anger him. The anger wasn't a shock. What was a shock was my indifference to it. There were more words between us. He denied being with another woman. Tried to lie. But, failed at every turn. I called him out on every false statement knowing, that he could, at any moment become physically violent. After all, what did I have to lose? My marriage was failing, a marriage I might add, that was only sacred to me. A marriage, where one spouse cheated on and abused the other. A marriage that was void of intimacy on the most important levels. A marriage, that was never REALLY a marriage to begin with. So, I ask again, what did I have to lose??So what if he got angry. So what if he got violent. Maybe then I would be free. Maybe HE would set me free. That is when, for the FIRST TIME, I realized, I WASN'T afraid of him.He did become violent. He chased me around the house. He got a hold of me in the living room. Grabbed me by the arm and slapped me in the face. I broke free of him and ran upstairs to the bedroom and shut and locked the door. Within seconds he was kicking the door off it's hinges. I was cornered. No way out. The Meteor pinned my up against the wall by my throat. He was spewing vile words in my face. "Whore!" "Slut!" "Fat Stupid Cunt!" Were among the names he called me. I was numb to it. He said "You stupid, dirty, sloppy, cunt .... I should kill you and chop you into small pieces and feed you to the coyotes? No one would care..."I struggled to speak, his large thick hand pressing into my throat, "If you are going to kill me, just do it, and get it over with, you son of a bitch! But, know this: if you let me go, I will call the police, and you will go to jail."A light bulb went off in my head. But, at the same time, it seemed as though the voice were coming from someone else. It was ME. I was the one who was speaking. I was standing up, finally FOR ME!I did not fear my death at his hands. I felt his large meaty hand pushing further into my throat. I struggled under the weight of him, as he slapped me with the hand that wasn't pinning me to the wall, and was kicking me with his feet. I forced more words from my mouth and said "Do it cocksucker! Keep at least one promise you've made to me!" He had no response. I looked at him, straight in the eyes, he was cold, his eyes were dead, I thought I really might die that day, at his lethal hands.I kept on, kept berating him, the way he had me for the four and a half years building up to this moment. I didn't back down. I couldn't. If I was going to die, then I was going to fight for my life. HE was too strong for me to fight him physically, but as long as there was air in my lungs he would hear all that was on my mind at that moment. The Meteor seemed to be unaffected by my words, but shaken by my sudden bravery, courage, and brazen behavior. He held me by the throat, to that wall for what seemed to be an eternity.
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